I was thinking...
This morning as I was standing in front of my TV waiting for my workout video to start, my eyes barely open, my heart NOT in it. I thought to myself I really don't want to do this. This is taking everything I've got! Even though I haven't been doing as well on the eating end of things as I would like I told myself at least I was moving...I began to think about REGULATION!
Moving has not been something I have ever been good at much less liked. When I was in the densest fog, due to living with my attachment disorderd daughter, it was the last thing I had the wherewithal to do. I feel like my emotional strength was used to help her heal or just to survive - whatever you want to call it! However, 13 years later as I find my own healing, I realize it is time to do things differently. So, I have made a commitment to myself to become a healthier person. BUT it is still not easy, and more days than I like to admit, takes every bit of regulation I have.
As I began my work out, my thoughts about regulation turned to my daughter and the destructive choices she makes over and over again. Sabotaging her own happiness time after time. Creating issues that are painful and frustrating for all of us! My daughter has a kind and loving heart, she is extremely intelligent, she is physically beautiful but she has suffered MUCH! Her ability to regulate has been very compromised! She is about immediate gratification at any cost, she gets caught up in or creates drama at every turn, she is about making sure everyone else likes her even at her own expense. She does not have much regulation at all!
Today I am reminded that I have regulation because I come from a loving, stable, healthy place. I have never suffered the ultimate loss of my primary attachment figure. I have had my Safety Net strong and intact all of my life and it is still HARD to muster up regulation sometimes...even when it is good for me. I am reminded that forgiveness and HOPE are key when being an Intentional Parent. I am reminded that once again deficit is what is at play, not defiance. I am reminded that I have pledged to be her Mom NO MATTER WHAT and for as long as it takes!
So, I start my day fresh today; my own regulation in place, forgiveness for myself and those whose choices have hurt me and renewed hope in my heart for my daughter. Bring it on world I am ready!
Remember...you are NOT alone!