It's that time of year again...Back to School. Once again, as Intentional Parents, we need to see with our hearts and our heads, not only our eyes. We need to support our children through this school year meeting them right where they are – seeing the whole child not just the outside survivor! It is a very INTENTIONAL mindset!
For many of our kids, school is HARD! The bus ride is even HARDER! It can really force them back to their SURVIVOR SELF! Think about it; it is a survival of the fittest kind of feel some days. Do you have the right clothes, the right shoes, are you tall enough, cool enough, do you use the right lingo? Beyond that your family may be different from others, you’ve seen SO much, adults have hurt you, kids have hurt you, you don’t think you are smart enough, strong enough, pretty enough and on and on. No wonder it is so hard for our kids! As Intentional Parents, we can help them best if we can see things as DEFICIT not DEFIANCE! Some of our kids cover it pretty well. Some of them even become the PERFECT student. They internalize the belief that if they are a good student they are worthy of good things. We want them to internalize that we believe they are worthy just because of who they are (our child), not what they do. That we will be there for them NO MATTER WHAT! We have to verbalize this reality over and over and then back it up with action! Back them up, be their cheerleader. Teach them balance. Teach them what it means to have a “one and only”! Some of our kids will not be able to cover so easily. But once again it is about their core belief about themselves and so we must remind them that even though they don’t believe they can do it, even though they feel so different from everyone else, even though they are worried about losing us when they are not with us – we will be there as long as it takes and NO MATTER WHAT! We understand that there is an emotion behind the behavior that needs caring for. We are clear that children who are working on attaching have a hard time doing academic work as well. We know that their struggle is not because “he isn’t trying” hard enough. We are there for our child, seeing his whole self - NO MATTER WHAT! Seeing the situation with a clear Intentional Parent Mindset isn’t always easy. This is where we start swimming upstream – against the current, a different direction than everyone else! The really GREAT news is that this is where HEALING happens because this is where our child REALLY begins to understand what it means to have someone there for them No Matter What. They begin to internalize that they are worthy of good things in life because THEY matter! With those kinds of messages impacting their core belief about themselves, over time they will be freed up to learn and explore the world so much more freely! So when we are trying to help with homework, educate teachers, deal with ugly behavior, we must remember to use an Intentional Parent Mindset. As we parent our child who has lost so much, we must always look behind the behavior (positive and negative) and meet the emotional needs that are there!
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Problems with math, being overwhelmed with getting assignments back and forth, and not understanding the reason for rules...these are all rooted in the same place. When you start focusing on the impacts that trauma has on learning you will be able to create your child's best school year yet!
Trauma takes its toll on many aspects of learning with concentration, memorization and self-regulation being just a few. So many families struggle to help their hurt child have a positive school experience; however, they report feeling like they are running into a brick wall. Our children have suffered trauma due to the loss of their biological parent and there is just no question that it has great impact on their ability to do school. Their ability to stay on task has been skewed by the missing out on developmental stages along the way. Learning takes organization and regulation, but their ability to do those things is absolutely compromised because of the chaos and inconsistencies they grew up in. The issue are real...this is deficit NOT defiance! The great news is that there are tools and techniques that can help your child be more successful in school and maybe even have fun doing it! Imagine, your child having his best school year yet! What an impact that would have on your whole family! There is so much that can be done! Join me for my exclusive 4 week session and be one of only 25 families that will change their child's school experience for good! In order to make sure you get a very specific plan in place I can only take 25 families so don't wait! Oh and by the way - in an effort to make sure you get everything you need to make this year different I am also giving you 2 other very popular classes for FREE. I know that things can be different and I know how to arm you with the words and tools to get there! This Intentional Parent Series includes not one but 3 experts in the field along with tools, techniques and communication strategies that you have never heard before! DOORS are closing VERY soon! Don't wait and miss it! Let's get started on your ACTION PLAN NOW! Use the link below to register! http://www.tohavehope.com/intentional-parent-master-series.htmlOkay so let me make sure you know...I can only work this closely with a group of 25 and be effective - 25 is the cap and seats are already going! *****You also get...a Complimentary recording of two of my best sellers Dealing With The Daily Grind: Eating, Sleeping and Bathrooming & The Power of Hope ***If you can't meet with us on the night of the class that is okay, I have you covered. You get to watch the recording! See you in class! Being a parent is an incredible opportunity - no matter how you get there - but there is so much more to each one of us, the stuff that makes us fully whole...the stuff that adds to the definition of ME. Unfortunately, when we parent children who are really struggling, it is easy to develop Back Burner Syndrome.
Many parents of hurt kids come to me to talk about not really knowing themselves anymore, feeling lost and basically unhappy. In focusing so intently on the healing of their children, they have pushed everything else to the back burner. They are exhausted and losing hope. It is time to make a change! I know it seems like there is not enough time or that you don't have enough energy...but I am here to tell you that that is NOT true. Feeling productive, being able to measure the positive impact you can make on the world and using your mind to take care of you is EMPOWERING. You will find more energy and inspiration to put into every one of your relationships. You will feel strong, you will be clear about your worth as a person and a parent and your world will follow suit. Your children will still struggle because this journey of healing is long, but you will be stronger, healthier and have more of you to give because you cleared off the back burner! Give your family and yourself the whole person you were meant to be...take a class, change your hair color, get a tattoo, repaint your living room, take up a sport, hold babies at the crisis nursery...whatever it is, BE YOUR WHOLE SELF! I just need a minute. I know you don't really want to deal with the topic of school right now, but if you haven't already started, the first day is right around the corner! NOW is the time to get a plan in place that will make for your child's BEST YEAR YET!
SO here's the thing. Many families struggle with the actual learning part of school - especially math. Others are constantly getting called into school because of their child's disruptive behavior. And then there are those moms and dads who are concerned about their child's lack of ability to fit in and have friends. School is simply torture year after year. Our girls struggled too. Lots of our time was spent managing fight, flight and freeze and not really feeling like they were grasping topics. The blow-ups and tantrums rocked our home almost every day and the adults at school just didn't get where we were coming from. I realized very quickly that school was just another place I needed to learn to be an Intentional Parent. I HAD to do this differently. I had to know how my child learned best, what would that look like and then I had to dig deep to make a plan that would help him get there. Learning should be fun;it was up to me to figure out how my child could be happy within his school experience. I want this year to be totally different for you and your student. And it can be! Do you really know all of your options? Do you know how your child learns best? Better yet, do you know how make it happen? There are so many options available, so much research you need to know and SO MANY tools, techniques and strategies that WILL make all the difference. Let me help. If you are ready to figure out the best path for your child, one that allows him to like to learn, to do better in math and reading to make friends, and keep his behavior in check, then let's do this! I will take a small group of only 25 parents through a 4 class session so that I can work closely with each of you to help build your action plan for the upcoming school year. I know that things can be different and I know how to arm you with the words and tools to get there! This Intentional Parent Series includes not one, but 3 experts in the field along with tools, techniques and communication strategies that you have never heard before! Let's get started on your ACTION PLAN NOW! Use the link below to register! http://www.tohavehope.com/intentional-parent-master-series.html Okay, so let me make sure you know...I can only work this closely with a group of 25 and be effective - 25 is the cap and seats are already going! *****You also get...a Complimentary recording of two of my best sellers Dealing With The Daily Grind: Eating, Sleeping and Bathrooming & The Power of Hope ***If you can't meet with us on the night of the class that is okay, I have you covered. You get to listen to the recording! Let's make this your child's BEST school year yet! I am getting ready to travel a lot this month and I was thinking about the whole (boring, but necessary) procedure that happens before you fly and I was thinking how brilliant that information really is! Before takeoff, you buckle your seat belt and listen to the flight attendant review emergency procedures. You hear that if the oxygen masks drop, you should adjust your own before assisting your child. It's just like that on this long journey for us parents of children who struggle. We must absolutely care for ourselves before we can REALLY care for our children in the everyday moments of life!
Self-care, however, tends to be last on our list of to-dos and there never seems to be any remaining energy to tackle it. Most parents say that it is easier said than done. I agree! It is difficult to not to give endlessly to others - especially our children. There is always a worry that if you don't keep on top of things they will regress or all heck will break loose. Parenting a hurt child is hard! Lots of times we question whether we can do the job - whether we are meant to be this child's parent. You can do the job; you have to claim what is yours, move it and spend time taking care of you too! I have to tell you I personally am so much more INTENTIONAL when I take time to do the things that take care of ME! Also, self-care really models a sense of self-esteem for your children, spouse and other close relationships. It's about balancing your needs with the needs of your child and intentionally ensuring the connection stays in place even when you take care of you! Here are some helpful ideas. 1) Exercise daily. I am not great at this, but when I do it I am a different person. Exercise is so essential in relieving everyday stress. Do it alone or include your child...it will be a benefit for both of you. 2) Get a Project. Sorting clothes at Goodwill or serving soup at a shelter. Sometimes it is hard to see progress on our journey; help someone else out to help you see your impact. It is empowering! 3) Take classes. Pay for a course and go. Fun, creative classes as well as those that equip you with new knowledge and techniques to apply in your everyday life. Being inspired is truly energizing. 4) Listen to soothing music. Whether it is by just turning it up loud in the car, dancing to it in the kitchen or just plugging in some headphones and listening to Mozart, music is brain organizing. 5) Talk to someone. When your child has special needs you tend to spend all your time thinking and planning to stay ahead. You need to talk to someone that gets it...someone who has walked your same path. 6) Trade time. Find another family who is walking this path and trade childcare with them. Agree on what you'd like it to look like and enjoy some peace. If you don't know another family, then groom a babysitter to do "it" the way your child needs "it" done. Educate them, pay them well, have their favorite snacks and keep your time away short - but get some time alone. 7) Fight to find the good. When we are able to find the good even when things are far from where we'd like them to be, we can continue to have HOPE. With hope we have the energy and stamina it takes to keep moving forward toward healing! When you find the time to care for yourself, you will see your family’s spirits soar. Buckle up ladies and gentlemen, we are about to take off! Okay I know that this is hard stuff. I know there are lots of times you are not sure what to do next. I totally get it - been there!
The reality is that we have to do this differently to stop the lying. We can't just do it the way we did it before or the way everyone else does; our kids come from very hard places and it is all different! Stop hitting your head against a brick wall...if it is not working, it is time to try something different! Okay, cause I know how hard it is to live with push back behaviors like lying I put together a bunch of tools and strategies to help you get your stress under control. Learn a new way. You can feel like a good parent again. You create some peace in your home. Seriously, it doesn't have to be SO hard! My biggest selling class Solutions for Lying, Stealing and Other Push Back Behaviors is available to you to listen to whenever you are free! Go get it, put it on your phone and go for a walk so you can listen to it. Then put the new tools into play and watch as things begin to change for you and your family. I just wanted you to know that there IS a choice. Take control and start doing it differently! Follow this link formore information. http://www.tohavehope.com/classes.html Make things the way you want them to be! Most friends and family don’t truly understand what’s going on inside as you raise a child who struggles. They don’t see inside your heart, mind, or home behind closed doors. You, your child, and your household often look entirely different to them than the reality of your life.
Feeling alone is the hardest part of raising our hurt kids. To be truly understood and supported would change the entire experience for the better. I thought I would put together a few things I think we all want our friends and family along with teachers and other professionals to understand. If it resonates, share them with and educate those around you. 5 Things That Parents of Hurt Kids Want the World To Know (and REALLY understand) 1. My child looks normal (and sometimes even really put-together) on the outside, but not on the inside. A child who has experienced early trauma looks like any other child physically. However, early trauma actually changes the brain. He is behind emotionally and neurologically. 2. My child probably seems like a "perfect" kid to you, but...there's a lot you don't see. Mental and emotional health struggles are tricky and not always obvious. 3. I can feel when you judge parenting decisions and it hurts me. To live with a child who struggles the way mine does is like always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is overwhelmingly stressful. I really need you to stand beside me rather than behind me. 4. I know that the way I parent is very different than the way you do. It's on purpose. Typical parenting techniques don't work for children who are hurt in the way mine are. Unless you have walked my path, please don't question me. 5. I feel SO alone, but it is hard for me to reach out to others. It would mean a lot to me if you would call me every once in a while, drop off a casserole or make plans for coffee. As you’re raising your hurt child, remember that you’re not alone. People across the globe experience the same isolation. This is a very difficult job - parenting a hurt child. Let's talk about it, let's teach about it and let's reach out to each other. There's a lot of hope to be had when we stick together. Remember...you are NOT alone! |
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