Being the Mom is a full time job, no matter what the circumstances. And being the Mom of a special needs child (or 2 or 3 or more) is even beyond that...I know, I am both! I have been doing both, and more, for 17 years now and I am glad to say I have learned much!
One of the most important things I have learned is that taking care of me is as important as taking care of everyone else...actually it may be more important. I learned that if I didn't take care of me, I really didn't have the capacity to take care of anyone very well. In order to be an Intentional Parent, you really need clarity and energy.
I learned that to get that clarity and energy, to be really successful at being a GREAT Mom to everyone in my home I needed to: EMBRACE MY LIFE and NOT JUST SURVIVE IT!
Here are some thoughts to consider as you try to Embrace Your Life:
Just surviving our life leaves us feeling helpless and hopeless. It causes wrinkles, jumpiness, decreased energy, gray hair, and more.
Choosing to Embrace our life - one moment at a time - helps to empower us, to help us feel strong and in control of our destiny. It causes smiles, the ability to read the situation, and be intentional about our choices, confidence, tons of energy, peacefulness within ourselves and SO MUCH MORE!
I am calling all you Moms and Dads out there...If I can do this, so can you! Fight for it; your family deserves the best!
P.S. In November, EVERY member of the Coaching Group gets a FREE Private Coaching Session with me. I'd be honored to help you make your action plan to meet your child right where they are at - THAT IS Where Healing Happens.
Just click this link to join me.
Well, just to be sure we are getting into the holiday swing here, the weather is a combination of freezing rain to snow. If I wasn't ready before, this weather shift always pushes me to face the reality - the big holiday season starts in under a week.
Seventeen years and one week ago, we celebrated our first Thanksgiving as a family of 8. Wow, talk about facing reality.
I had all of these DREAMS for my daughters. My dreams included laughter, smiles, hugs, loving feelings, time together, sharing, new traditions, family, more and more family.
There was some of that sprinkled in, but some of those dreams were missing and the missing stuff (plus some not-so-great behavior/words) were blamed on the facts that we were speaking different languages, the newness of it all, and everyone just being overwhelmed.
Honestly, as time passed it got more and more difficult.
The holidays looked great to the outsiders. All the kids (3 boys and 3 girls) were dressed up cute. There were smiles on their faces as they opened gifts from Grandmas and Grandpas. They tried all the delicious treats and said please and thank you nicely.
However, on the inside it was a whole different story altogether!
Inside our family was a MESS!
The girls were miserable and acted out constantly (when others weren't looking). The boys were totally thrown off by all of the chaos that happened behind our closed doors. Our marriage was stressed.
We distanced ourselves from others because we felt judged and unsupported. I felt like an awful Mom, Wife, Daughter, Grand-daughter, Niece, Cousin, and Friend. I really felt very alone.
Out of a deep desire to get my family back in shape, I began doing things very differently and our mess began to take on a new more positive and happy feel.
I tweaked and tweaked how I parented. I researched, read and attended any training I could. I found the tools and techniques that worked to help us all enjoy the holidays.
I learned to meet my children right where they were at and they began to be more and more successful - soon my family was in such a better place! (And so was I).
If you are like I was and you dream of giving your children the experience of a loving, joyful, peaceful, family-filled holiday, it would be my honor to help you get a plan in place that would include knowing your whole child, identifying the impacts of trauma your child is tripping over, measuring his/her emotional age, and tools and techniques that you need to be successful (and so much more)!
You will be ready to tackle the tantrums and crabbiness head on, create a holiday time where your family and friends help you help your children not sabotage you at every turn, and start looking forward to the holidays yourself!
I've put 3 tools in place to help you look forward to and enjoy the holidays more...
1. We've just added #1 Best Selling Class Surviving The Holidays into the Learning Library in the Intentional Parent Coaching Group for members to use free of charge and at their convenience. This class also includes the Surviving the Holidays Checklist and a Template for a letter to family and friends to help them support you better.
2. There is a LIVE Q&A about the Holidays class in the Coaching Group in which we will be zeroing in on your holiday and fine tuning your plan so that it works!
3. For the Month of November Every Single Member of the Coaching Group gets to take advantage of a FREE Private Coaching Session with me so that we can get to the root of the challenges and create the shift you are looking for.
It's the perfect time - Let's get you started!
Just click this link, www.tohavehope.com/intentional-parent-coaching-group
Join the Group, Watch for an Email, Get into the closed Facebook Group and then into the Learning Library and get started with the Surviving the Holidays class....then I'll see you in the Live session.
You are going to be so relieved!
As November National Adoption Month was approaching, I was trying to decide what is the absolute best way I can support YOU. It quickly became clear that it was You and I, just the two of us, working side-by-side to put together an action plan specifically for your family!
Learning how to be an Intentional Parent is so crucial and takes making a choice to try new parenting techniques and to take a look at yourself and make some tweaks. It's a decision to open your mind to learn about the brain and the impacts of trauma and to commit to No Matter What. It really is a choice. A choice that allows us to meet our kiddos right where they are at.
And what I know for sure is that meeting your child right where he's at for as long as it takes is the key to healing and to creating new brain wiring and new core beliefs.The clincher here is the "right where they are at" part.
I know that if we work together to form a very detailed action plan that combines identifying the specific impacts of trauma your child is facing every day, zeroing in on their emotional age, and taking into consideration the other pieces of your "whole child" and combine all of that with strategies and tools that work, we will be creating the shift you have been waiting for.
Here's what I'm doing...
In honor of National Adoption Month, I am giving a FREE Private Coaching Session to every member of my Coaching Group. Every. Single. Member. This is for YOU.
Let's get YOUR FREE COACHING SESSION Scheduled and get your plan in place. Click this link to join the Intentional Parent Coaching Group and then go to the Files Section on the Closed Facebook Page to find the link to schedule your appointment.
I watched a family dealing with grief this weekend; it reminded me again of how important it is for me as an Intentional Parent to never forget the impact that grief and loss had and still has on my children.
It's a part of who they are. The loss of their biological family has impacted them at their core. The reality is that it doesn’t stop them too much anymore, but it used to. As I look ahead, I think it will come into play when we deal with big life changing events like marriage and children.
What does grief look like in a child? I think too many times we miss it!
We expect it to look a certain way and when we don’t see that specific picture we think it isn’t an issue. Unfortunately, grief is often misinterpreted as misbehavior, defiance, and just not caring.
Children only have a very short list of behaviors they can use to express their emotions. These behaviors will be used to express a variety of emotions and we as their parents have to know that this includes the sadness and loss they inevitably feel from losing those first attachment figures.
It's up to us to know and to understand. It's up to us as Intentional Parents to meet them where they are emotionally!
To believe them and honor those times when they express emotion about the losses in their life.
To "know" when ugly behavior is pain not defiance.
It is scary and uncomfortable to see our children hurt that way, but allowing them to bring it to us is truly being the safety net they need. Just listen. Comfort them. Tell them you are sorry they have to have this hurt.
I hurt for my daughters.
I'm sad for all the loss they suffered at such young ages. I see them deal with it, each in their own way. We've always talked about it as openly as possible. Sometimes they grieved with anger, sometimes with absolute heart-wrenching sadness and sometimes they kept it in the quiet places of their minds, just figuring out how to go forward.
These losses are a part of their story. Their identity. The ramifications of them will impact how they make choices in life, how they love, and how they live - to be sure. But, my hope is that they are able to grieve these losses so that they are able to transform their lives into whatever they choose for themselves!
Meet your child right where he's at and sometimes that means sadness out of nowhere, hard behaviors during family events, and avoiding feelings altogether.
Knowing that that is what grief looks like on your child and being intentional creates a whole new opportunity for YOU to be their person...the one who gets them completely. The one who will finally assure them that they are worthy of love.
P.S. In November, EVERY member of the Coaching Group gets a FREE Private Coaching Session with me. I'd be honored to help you identify what is grief so that you can absolutely meet your child right where they are at - THAT IS Where Healing Happens.
Just click this link to join me.
I am so excited...this is going to be an AMAZING month! It's National Adoption Month and we are celebrating. Be sure to read this whole email because quite honestly there is something for everyone.
I've heard lots of these stories over the year and there's one thing I know for sure...they are always beautiful! So one way we will be celebrating is by posting Adoption Stories on my Facebook Page each day of the month...and I would LOVE to share yours.
Please send your story to email@example.com. You can put it in an email or send it as an mp4. Feel free to include a picture or not - whatever you feel is safest for your child. And absolutely change names if you would like to as well. Thanks so much for your help!
My new obsession...and these were created just for you, my friends! There are two choices: "Be Intentional" and/or "family...DNA not required". I love to add my favorite essential oil to the inside of the leather band and enjoy the scent all day long. Treat yourself and even use them to nurture your closest relationships. There's even a discount code below.
Our discount code is: FAMILY5DOLLARS. It's good for $5 off items on their website: createhopecuffs.com.
And it's good through Dec. 31st, 2017. (I do not make any money on this product; however a portion of the proceeds go to educating children of the Bheveni Community in Swaziland, Africa.)
Surround Yourself With People That Get It & A Plan That Works!
(the best for last)
Here's the thing...I am extremely passionate about making sure no family walks this journey alone and this month I am adding even more to the Intentional Parent Coaching Group to support you even better.
Here are only a couple of the exciting things going on this month in the Intentional Parent Coaching Group, in addition to our weekly LIVE sessions, Learning Library packed with my top selling classes and deeply discounted Private Coaching Sessions:
1. I was going to do drawings for Private Coaching Sessions in my Coaching Group each week this month, but I changed my mind...I am giving EVERY MEMBER of my coaching group one FREE 45 minute Private Coaching Session via the phone.
Yep, every single one of you!
(This is a 45 minute session per family. It can be used immediately or banked and then can be used later as long as you are an active member of the Coaching Group and have sent in your Family App)
2. I will be adding my most popular class, "Handling the Holidays," to the Learning Library in the Coaching Group starting 11/2 and will be holding a Live Q&A in regards to that class so that members can ask specific questions about their holiday plans.
The Holidays DON'T Have to be Horrible!
If you are looking for things to change for the better,
If you need a plan that works,
If you are tired of doing this alone, you belong in the Intentional Parent Coaching Group.
This is your month. I would be honored to teach you tools and strategies that will make life way more doable...even enjoyable. Just click this link to join me.
You can do this and I'm right here to cheer you on and show you that it works!
If your life is over-the-top crazy,
If your kiddo is consistently sabotaging things,
If his or her hard behaviors and words are getting in the way of your whole family's happiness...
it's time to create your child a world that is the size he can really handle. A world in which he can be most SUCCESSFUL!
Most of the time creating a world in which your child can be most successful means making it SMALLER. It can include things like extra-curriculars, chores, camp, boundaries at home and beyond, the kinds of toys or other items they own and other big transitions they do away from you.
One example in our case was when we had given our daughters chores based on their chronological ages and the abilities we “knew” they had.
Our oldest rarely succeeded at accomplishing her chores. The problem was that those chores really caused a lot of issues. Big. Huge. Issues. It was "clear" to us that she "never listened", "didn't care", was "disrespectful on purpose", was "sneaky" and "just thought she could do what she wanted to when she wanted to do it." Remember, this is the way we interpreted everything.
Another example in our case was when we enrolled her in things at church and school that the other kids her age were doing.
She really had a hard time being able to run with other kids her age and not end up either getting hurt or breaking a rule or four!
Many times in situations where she was on her own with other children, she would either be a loner or be bossy and aggressive.
Important relationships were being negatively affected, we were confused and mad because it often felt purposeful, we were asked to pull her out of classes and sports, she was getting injured and putting herself in dangerous situations. It was a nightmare.
Worst of all, her self-esteem was suffering terribly. The more she failed the worse things got – a vicious circle of her old beliefs and deficits was set in motion!
It was time to do it differently!
I remember distinctly the day I really fully embraced this new more intentional way to parent my daughter. The day I really took the risk and met her where she was.
She had been invited to an overnight girl birthday party. She said she wanted to attend. However, behavior kicked in big time! She sabotaged going to the event in any way she could.
It finally hit me…this is too big for her.
I turned it over and over in my mind. It was an event that any Mom would want for her daughter to be a part of. It was an event that was appropriate for her chronological age. “All” of the girls in our group of friends were going. But I really needed to meet my daughter right where SHE was at.
With all of this going on in my mind, I decided to follow my gut.
I called her to our porch and as gently, but confidently, as I could I explained that she was not going to go to the party. I told her that it was my job to keep her safe and healthy and that this party would not be either of those things for her.
I braced myself for her reply.
She looked at me and asked me to repeat what I had said. I repeated it word for word. Her hands released their tight hold they had had on the rail. Then she breathed a huge sigh of relief! Her shoulders dropped inches in relaxation. Her face softened. Then she asked if she could go and play.
The behaviors that had kicked up before the party went back to a low rumble - which was our status quo. It was over. The spin really slowed! The party was too big for her.
I finally got it! I didn’t put her into a situation in which she couldn’t be successful. This was a HUGE shift for us.
It's so important to pull your child’s world into the size in which he can not only handle, but also be successful. Changing the size of your child's world is REALLY about meeting him where he's at. And it almost always means doing it differently than most other families.
But the benefits far outweigh the challenges of doing it differently...making this kind of intentional choice creates healing across the board!
I think there are a couple rules of thumb to follow when deciding how big is too big:
There's nothing easy about this concept; however, it makes all of the difference in creating the connection that ultimately is the foundation for all other relationships...the really important stuff usually takes work!
You can do this and I'm right here to cheer you on and show you that it works!
P.S. If you'd like specific strategies or to build your action plan I'd be honored to teach you how in my Coaching Group.
Just click this link to join me.
I don't know about you, but I just got tired of the yelling and arguing - especially when it came out of MY mouth!
Here's the thing...parenting a child who doesn't seem to listen, who always seems to be trying to be in control and who usually does the opposite of what you ask is SO frustrating. I so get it.
I remember times when my daughter would argue with me about anything and everything. How I walked. What color the sky was. You know...AN.Y.THING!
Sometimes I could keep it together, but WAY too many times I lost it. I yelled - she yelled, it was a yelling fest.
And the big reality was...I felt like CRAP afterwards. This was NOT the kind of Mom I wanted to be. It was NOT the kind of person I wanted to be. Something had to change!
Here's the thing though, when it came right down to it I was yelling because nothing was working. No matter what I did or said the wedge between us continued to grow. The parenting strategies that I had used with my sons was not working now. I felt overwhelmed, exhausted and NOT like the good Mom I wanted to be.
I needed try something different.
I was sick of feeling stuck in a very negative cycle. I found myself wondering if she really wanted the fight and yelling any more than I did-who would choose that? Lots of times she seemed very "in control" of her choices, she seemed sure, and she seemed tough. But why would anyone choose to live like that day after day. Maybe she just didn't know how to do it any differently. I thought...could it be true?
And then I decided to test it.
I turned it around and met her where she was at by "naming" in my own head the backtalk, lying, stealing, yelling, and arguing as deficit. I began to realize she didn't have any other tools.
The further we went more clear the deficits became. She wasn't sure of herself at all and, as a matter of fact, she was scared. Scared to say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, and scared it was all going to end at any moment.
I also began to realize that as I met her where she was at things began to calm.
Yelling and arguing were happening less and less. I became more sure of myself as her Mom. Renewed energy followed and I finally had real clarity about how to help my daughters heal.
I found the keys to my Peaceful Kingdom. I found the keys to quieting the yelling and to ending the arguing.
What a wonderful shift for my whole family. What a wonderful relief to my own heart. Back to my old self!
Look, I know that I am not the only one that has had this struggle. As a matter of fact, every day I talk to Moms from all over the world who feel like crap because they just lost it. If this is you, don't stay there...YOU need to try something different too!
I want to teach you how to meet your child right where he's at. I'd like to personally invite you to jump into my Intentional Parent Coaching Group so that I can share the strategies and tools that will help you get there. Things can be so much more doable!
Just click this link to get you started building your Peaceful Kingdom.
See you in Group!
I am SO excited to tell you about one of the things coming up for next month. November is National Adoption Month and it's time to celebrate!
I have heard so many wonderful stories over the years - they are inspiring and filled with hope and I think it would be great to spread a little of that hope around.
There is one thing I REALLY NEED YOUR HELP WITH - I'd like to celebrate by sharing at least one adoption story every day on my Facebook Page next month and I'd LOVE To Share YOURS.
Oh and by the way, we're not going to stop at "National" Adoption Month - we're going to celebrate WORLD Adoption Month and we're going to do that with stories from around the world! YOUR Stories from wherever you are!
Here's how you can help...
1. Please share your story via an email or an mp4 video.
2. Go ahead and change the names to protect the anonymity of your family.
3. Include a picture or not - either way is going to be great. As a matter of fact, you could send one of those pictures that are of the family walking away or put your hands all in like a team. However you want your family shared.
Finally...just send your story to firstname.lastname@example.org asap! (We will let you know what day it will appear on my Facebook Page)
This is going to be GREAT! I can't wait to see them all.
Yes the journey can be bumpy, but there is always something to celebrate.
Thanks so much for you help!
You decided to become parents together. You decided to adopt or foster together. You started this journey as a team - a united front!
Then the daily struggles began and being a parent wasn’t feeling like you though it would. The tools you had weren't working. The questioning of your ability to be parents played over and over in your mind. Feeling alone and hopeless a lot of the time becomes overwhelming and too common.
The next thing you know you are blaming and criticizing each other. One partner often says they don’t even know the other anymore, while others report that their spouse just doesn’t get it.
Parenting a hurt child often adds a lot of stress to a marriage and many times can be the demise! You have got to stick together!
Here are 5 quick ways to ensure you are seen and felt as a safe United Front:
1. Greet each other first.
2. Your Spouse hasn’t changed…they are fighting an important, but incredibly difficult battle.
Know that many times hurt kids have a different relationship with every adult in their life. Studies are showing more and more that the adoptive or foster Primary Attachment Figure gets more of the behavioral and emotional brunt of the challenge.
3. In order to get it, you have to Intentionally Parent.
Have a check in system. One parent checks in with the other before returning home to get the feel for what is going on at the moment. Start preparing to connect with the other adult so as not to allow Triangulation to happen.
4. Move your own “stuff” so that you are not adding to the spin!
Have expectations your child can actually meet so that they can succeed. You have to do it differently.
5. Always remember to look at your “whole” child!
Don’t get caught in only “seeing” the behavior right in front of you.
Remember…together you can create a safe and consistent environment for your child. Together you can commit to No MATTER WHAT and for as long as it takes! Together you can help your child heal!
INTENTIONALLY CHOOSE, TOGETHER!
P.S. - If you'd like more strategies to becoming and staying a United Front, join me in the Intentional Parent Coaching Group. You'll both be equipped and supported like never before.
Just a quick note to remind you that sometimes you just have to GO FOR IT!
I get it. I really do. For many years, I just didn't want anyone to know how hard things were and how crazy and unhappy I felt. As a matter of fact, there were days and weeks I didn't believe anything could change even if I knew how.
Well...I am here to tell you that life can be SO much better!
Many years ago I decided to muster up everything I had and just Go For It.
Yes, it usually meant swimming upstream, doing it differently than I had ever considered, questioning from friends and family and those looks from everyone.
I decided it couldn't matter. Neither could the words and behavior from my children; they didn't know how if felt to have a Mom that took good care of them or valued them they were scared. I couldn't take it personally. I just had to keep to the plan and go for it!
It paid off!
I figured out how to parent my daughters so that they could really heal...so that we could have SECURE attachment. So that they could be as happy as possible in life.
The GREAT NEWS is that you don't have to figure it all out alone...you don't have to do any of it alone!
I want to personally invite you to join my Intentional Parent Coaching Group where you will meet with me 4 times a month to tweak YOUR plan, be a part of a closed Facebook group, receive new insight plus tools and techniques that work and a vault full of 12 of my top selling classes and archived IPCG Trainings and Q & A's.
This is huge! Right at your finger tips everything you need to make the shift happen.
Aha moments, breakthroughs and stronger, more solid family connections - that's what we are looking for - and that's what your family can have beginning today!
Today is a great time to join us! With new additions of DEEPLY discounted Coaching Sessions and a video series for School Personnel and one for Family and Friends.
Don't hold back you and your family deserves SO MUCH MORE!
Click this link to GO FOR IT Now!