Well, it's the day after a holiday for many of you. Could get a little intense.
Just a quick note to let you know that you are not alone...these kinds of days are hard for many of our children. It is not because you are doing anything wrong. It's not because they don't care about you nor is it because they are necessarily broken beyond repair! It IS because the healing is a long process. Sometimes, a lifetime. The brokenness has cut to the core. It IS because it is all so counter-intuitive. You really have to do it differently. Many weren't prepared. It IS because healing takes creating new core beliefs and brain wiring. Needs unending opportunities to happen. It IS because others can't see it so they don't get it. Always swimming upstream is tiring. Take a deep breath. Look forward and not back. Take the next step. You CAN do this! Healing (for yourself, your kiddos and actually for your whole family) takes forward movement, action, and a plan B, C, D... So here's my question for you...What action are you choosing to take today? It's how you stay in it. It's how you thrive not just survive. This is how healing happens!
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I have a question for you...how many times have you felt like you were failing your child?
Trust me you are not alone in this kind of thinking. Many moms say the same thing and, as a matter of fact, it really leads to so many not liking themselves very much. I was just talking to a mom yesterday who shared the fact that she was pretty sure SHE was the problem in the equation. That her child didn't have issues when they were with other people and that the only time he acted out was when he was home with her. Hear me Loud and Clear - YOU are NOT the problem in the equation! You are the one sure constant. You are the center of your child's world. You are his regulation and his hope. You are who he is most afraid to lose. I know it doesn't feel like it or look like it lots of times. I have totally been there. However, what I know for sure is that when you look "behind" the hard behaviors, ugly words, and overall disconnect, there is a child who doesn't feel worthy of goodness. He can't believe you can love him or will choose to forever. Those core beliefs are misleading him. And the behaviors and words that cover that kind of vulnerability are misleading YOU! Here's the thing...to create new brain wiring and to integrate new core beliefs can take a long time. It takes practice and consistency. It takes a solid safety net. YOU are your child's best chance at healing! You are the Safety Net. Questioning yourself is questioning the strength of the adult who he hopes will finally stick with him, who will love and accept him no matter how "ugly" he believes he is, and who will be there forever this time! He gets scared and pushes you away with his words and behavior so he doesn't have to feel the familiar pain he's felt before. I hear you..."Stacy, it's NOT easy." NO it is NOT! Helping our children to heal is probably the most difficult thing most of us have ever done. When things get hard it's important to ask for help, gather the right tools, and make sure you have a plan. If you don't, you might begin to look at yourself as the issue - and that is no way to live. It is SO important to stop questioning yourself. For you. For your child. For your whole family. Things can be so much better. I have worked hard to create a "place" that is where you can get the essentials you are missing...input and answers from people in the trenches and people on the other side, a new perspective, tools and strategies that work and an Intentional Parent Action Plan. Come and be part of this movement. This healing army of parents just like you. Moms and Dads who want things to be different for themselves, their child and their whole family. Intentional Parents who are fighting for their children to feel loved, secure, and safe and to know that no matter what, YOU are not going anywhere. Join me in the Intentional Parent Coaching Group and let's make things happen! JOIN US! If you are celebrating the upcoming holiday and/or have other CELEBRATIONS coming soon like spring birthdays, anniversaries, or graduation parties, I want you to know that being VERY INTENTIONAL about every piece of it will ensure you all have a better time than you've had before.
Many of our adopted and foster children struggle at celebrations. They are just not wired to manage all of the social nuances, relationship rules, and other social expectations that come with these kinds of days. Not to mention the challenges of regulating themselves around the abundance of food, the changes in boundaries, and other people who fill themselves up at the expense of our kiddos. Most importantly, we need to remember it takes many, many years for our children to feel worthy of good things, which impacts when they feel truly connected. They live with the belief that they're not valuable enough for you to remember them, choose for them what they'd like, or even have enough for them. When you are not wired to be in any given situation and you don't believe you are worthy of good, anxiety goes way up. Remember, when anxiety goes up, ability goes down! This is where being intentional matters - being the outside regulator, taking care of basic needs (even after years of the same celebration), and creating opportunities for success even if it means you do it differently. As you make the plan for your next celebration, here are a few tips that will help it be more successful: Every celebration includes food - the basic assurance of life. The most critical way into being your child's safety net. Always have at least one thing your child enjoys eating. So if that means you bring the mac and cheese to the celebration...that's what it means. Make sure your child knows this food will be available at the celebration. Most celebrations include a gift of some sort. The true test of whether I am worthy of good things. Assure your child ahead of time that there will be a basket or gift for him and don't mistake his worry in this situation for him being rude, self-centered, or disrespectful. If your celebration includes lots of people and/or a different place than home, make a plan to help your child manage his increasing anxiety. Set some limits like high-fives not hugs for everyone and be prepared to literally step in to help make that happen. Bring a bag of things your child will enjoy doing and find a quiet place within eye sight that they can hunker down and do that. Headphones and music work well. It's an escape so to speak. Timing DOES matter! This one is pretty cut and dry...honor how hard this is and help your child succeed by heading for home before the melt down. You can lengthen your stay by being intentional and pulling him in, but eventually enough is enough. Most importantly, know and remember that no matter what it looks like on the outside, your child is not comfortable, not sure of himself and not purposefully trying to ruin your celebration. He's not wired to be successful in this situation. Ultimately, when we meet our children right where they are at, they feel safe. When they feel safe, they can be successful. When they are successful, they feel worthy. When they feel worthy, they feel connected. And so on. Being intentional is where it all starts! With great excitement for the future of your family, Stacy Manning P.S. If you want to hear more about this topic and other everyday game changers, join me weekly in my Intentional Parent Coaching Group. Join Us Hippity. Hoppity. Easter's on its way! As Intentional Parents, it is important that we meet our kiddos right where they are at...even at gift-giving times. Here are some fun ideas for Easter basket fillers. Items that meet sensory needs and fidgets to get them through the anxious times. Weighted Lizard A perfect companion for home, school, or the car. Provides comforting deep pressure input. http://amzn.to/2pif1AR Super Magnets is a nice set that helps give positive feed back to the Proprioseptive Sensory System. Use my aff. link to check it out. http://amzn.to/2FPrLoI Smencils are great basket fillers. They are a positive sensory input in times of anxiety! use this link to check them out! http://amzn.to/2pihDhU Battery Operated Toothbrushes are a great help in increasing brain organization. They make a GREAT basket filler! My kids got one every year. http://amzn.to/2ICwf3I Thinking Putty. One of my kids top picks! This stuff is a great anxiety reliever, sensory tool and time passer! http://amzn.to/2GzVF1x
FIdget Cubes! These are new, but it was one of my kids that showed them to me...they thought they looked so cool. Great for car rides, between classes, any transition! http://amzn.to/2HFOswhamzn.to/2HFOswh As you might know, over the past 12 years or so I have been supporting parents around the globe - One-on-one Coaching, Webinars, Support Groups, my Book, and More - and it has been GREAT!
My goal has and always will be to be able to support you IN THE TRENCHES. What to SAY. What to DO. In the heat of the moment! I have lived this and I know that's what's missing. Well...we have just gotten one hundred steps closer to achieving that! As of April 1st, there are multiple more ways we can get your family to Thriving instead of just Surviving! I'd like to introduce to you the Intentional Parent Coaching Program. As members of the Intentional Parent Coaching Program, you become part of an incredible movement of Adoptive, Foster, Kinship, Step, and Guardian Families all parenting a NEW way...the way that creates HEALING. That brings the JOY back. The HOPE. That empowers Moms and Dads to feel good about themselves, feel strong, and to be the force that will make the difference for their child. The first step in joining this movement is to become a member of the Intentional Parent Coaching Group. We meet Live online WEEKLY so that I can answer your questions and help you make an action plan that works. You get access to a Learning Library of 12 of my best selling classes. You get to be a part of an incredible group of families from across the globe on our closed Facebook Group. It's awesome! Being a member is crucial. I know that the coaching group is YOUR safety net and needs to be in place for us to walk through the trenches together. This is a long journey as you know and to stay engaged for as long as it takes and no matter what IS absolutely doable when you have that kind of support! And just wait till you hear what we've added...we've just moved so much closer to me being right beside you every day. First, we have added what we call Focus Groups...I foresee these groups being used for "a season" so to speak. As we Intentional Parents build the safety net, we work hard to tie the knots nice and tight and that's great, but then a new challenge pokes out in a different place - so we have to move to tie those knots. The focus groups are meant to help you focus in on one particular spot of the net and make it as fail proof as possible, while still maintaining the rest. Our Focus Groups are small groups in which we dig deep and create an action plan to help your family get to the peace you are looking for. The first three focus groups are: Homeschooling Your Adopted or Foster Child Parenting Adopted and Foster Teens School and Your Adopted or Foster Child Secondly, we have added another fantastic option for members, which is the ability to have affordable One-On-One Coaching Hours with me via phone or online. This time allows families to narrow down to the tiniest next step of their action plan, to ask questions, learn new strategies and so much more. It is SO EXCITING to witness the powerful shift that is happening for families who are immersing themselves in becoming INTENTIONAL. I know how hard it can be, especially when you are doing it alone. The thing is...it doesn't have to be so hard or so lonely. Come and join us. We are doing it differently and moving towards all the great stuff our families deserve! To get started just join me in the Intentional Parent Coaching Group! Let's Do This Today! JOIN US! With great excitement for the future of your family, Stacy Manning This past weekend we went up to St. Mary’s Mission on Red Lake Indian Reservation. This is the place that stole my oldest son’s heart several years ago when we went to volunteer there.
He found his purpose. His place. His why. It changed his direction, his future. He now goes to college near there and is studying to be a teacher and hopes to teach there. The other day we were talking about his experiences there working with the kiddos. Many have struggled. Living in poverty. Some with learning challenges. He basically said, “Mom, I meet them where they are at.” I have to tell you, hearing that gave me such pride. And such relief. He learned a valuable lesson over these past 16 years. Sixteen years ago, my girls came to our family with hurts. Grief. Loss. Challenges. And I began a whole new way of parenting, meeting each of my kiddos right where they were at. Let’s be honest. There were times that were chaotic. Out of control. Turbulent. And in those moments, on those days, I worried about how my boys were being impacted. Their relatively calm, peaceful world was no longer calm and peaceful. But…my girls had been through so much in their short lives. We all needed to meet them where they were at. And so I taught my boys the lesson that we need to give grace to those around us. We need to understand that loss and trauma have a great impact on a child and it is our job to meet them where they are at. This turned out to be a good thing...my boys were better off because I began parenting this way. Not only did I meet the girls where they were at, I also met the boys were they were at. And that was a much better way to parent. To see my son carry this lesson with him and help these kiddos today is one of my proudest moments. Way to go, Sam! Rough Road Ahead. I saw this sign on my way into town today and thought...well, isn't that the truth!
Seriously, this was just like the path many of us travel. There was no warning, the sign just appeared. No detour marked. No map to show the driver another option. I was not prepared. And I've got to tell you, it was REALLY ROUGH! Just like I learned when trying to parent my adopted children, I quickly realized I was going to have to do this differently than I normally would...I had to be very intentional about my choices. I mean I could just drive the speed I usually did and stay right in the center of my lane like I have been taught to, but that would have meant hitting every pothole, feeling every bump, jostling my body, tearing up the bottom of my car and making me just plain grumpy. Nope, not what I wanted. So, I tweaked my expectations and intentionally chose to do it differently. First, I reminded myself that it was okay to get there when I could get there. I slowed down...my expectations needed to change and be based out of the reality of the situation. Just like when we look at parenting our children - we've got to meet them right where THEY are at, not where we (or society) thinks they should be. Secondly, I had to get really intentional and not be afraid to do it differently. I had to look at the road as if I'd never driven it before to avoid the holes. There were times I had to slow almost to a stop or swerve here and there, times I had to drive in the other lane (luckily it was a back country road), and at times I even had to use the shoulder a bit. NONE of this was in my plan when I left my house to run a few errands. I can honestly say that today's outing reminds me of our journey and those of the thousands of Moms' and Dads' stories I have heard over the last 16 years. SO many parents share that they were not anywhere near as prepared to adopt or foster their children as they thought they were. They just thought (as we did) that they'd do it the way they had before, the way their friends and family did it, the way they were raised,, but all of a sudden they saw the SIGN - Rough Road Ahead. That's when things got difficult. Hard Behaviors. Disconnect. Mistrust. Sadness. And so much more. They felt stuck! Here's the thing...A rough road doesn't mean you have to stop. It doesn't mean you can't make it through. It doesn't mean that you can't get to where you want to go. It means you have to do it differently to be successful. It takes a shift in your thinking and intentional choices to get to the other side This goes for parenting our kiddos as well. Yes, it can be rough. Yes, it takes a while. Yes, it is possible to make it through if we intentionally choose to meet them right where they are at. And commit to no matter what and for as long as it takes. So, have you hit the Rough Road Ahead sign? You don't have to do it alone. I really want you to know that I have navigated through the rough stuff and I am dedicated to helping you make it too! The map is in place. And the most effective path is laid out. I want to personally invite you to join me in my Intentional Parent Coaching Group. This is where I will show you exactly how to deal with YOUR rough road. What to say, what tools to use, how to help others support you. And SO much more! I'd be honored to lead you to the other side! It's Time! JOIN US! The other day I decided it was time to tackle my freezer. I could no longer find what I was looking for. It was packed! Clearly, I had put this task off far too long.
So…we pulled everything out. Sorted it, checked for freshness, and reorganized. Hate to admit, but we had to throw some things out. They had been in there too long and were freezer burnt. I’ve made this mistake in the past. Then, spent time kicking myself. Time feeling bad. This time I did what I teach my children. What I teach parents in my coaching group. I gave myself GRACE. It’s okay, I told myself. We are starting FRESH. So I took the garbage out, admired my newly organized freezer, and took a deep sigh of relief. Starting FRESH feels a whole lot better than regret. Regret can stop you in your tracks. Weigh you down. Get you STUCK. Grace and starting fresh can free you. Refuel you. Keeping you moving forward. Propel you. So, I encourage you to give yourself grace when you make mistakes. Give yourself permission to start fresh. And just as importantly…teach your kiddos to do the same. My dad is a “make it happen” kind of guy. Willing to take risks. Speak his mind. Goes for it. Fortunately, he has passed those onto me as well. Boy, has that served me well.
But…sometimes when you speak out, when you do things differently, you stand out. And let’s be honest, that doesn’t always feel comfortable. When my oldest son was nearing preschool age, all the Moms in the neighborhood were talking about what the best preschools were. Who the best teachers were. It was a given…preschool was what you did. We toured the schools. I asked questions. Lots of questions. But, my gut told me it was not the best option for my son. SO…I listened to my gut. We kept him home. And let me tell you, it was against the grain in my neighborhood. I’m sure the rest of those Mommas thought I was making a mistake. That I was nuts. Sure, I second guessed myself at the beginning, but it didn’t take long to be confident that I absolutely made the best decision for my son. That standing out and doing things differently was just a drop in the bucket compared to how I had to do it with my girls. When my girls joined our family almost 17 years ago, we started off parenting them just like we had been parenting our biological boys. Let me tell you...that did not work. What I discovered was that I needed to meet each of my children where they were at. And…that did not look the same for everyone. It certainly didn’t look like how my neighbors were parenting. How people at church thought I should parent. Nor how my extended family were doing it. The fact is, my girls came to me with a lot of loss. With pain. With wounds. With the impacts of trauma. And what they needed from me, and what they deserved from me, was to meet them right where they were at. So…I parented differently. Wow, what a difference it made! Reality is, it wasn’t always easy to do it that way. Lots of times it would have been easier to do it like everyone else. It was hard to be questioned by others. To get judged. To get that look. That look as if to say, “You are such a controlling mom.” To feel like everyone else thought I was nuts. My children are my top priority. So I had to choose what was best for THEM. Not what was easiest or most comfortable for me. Let me tell you…it paid off! For my girls. For my boys. For my entire family. Even to this day, 17 years later, I still parent this way. Even when it is hard. Even when others think I am nuts. It is what my children need and deserve. With love and dedication to you and your family, Stacy Manning P.S. be sure to join our community of over 25,000 Adoptive, Foster, Kinship and Guardian Parents on Facebook...a safe place, a supportive place and a place that will equip you and empower you to meet YOUR kids right where they are at! Join us. We are in the middle of winter, but have had an unseasonably warm past several weeks. Even managed to hit 60 degrees in February, which is unheard of in Minnesota.
The birds must have gotten the memo that we are warmer way earlier so they have begun heading back home after their southern winter escape. My living room overlooks a pond. Today, I’ve been hearing and seeing many, many birds. My granddaughter and I just watched a flock of geese fly by. She was SO excited! As I watched them fly, it made me think of the power of flying in a flock. The V formation. One bird leading the way. The other birds flying right along. But…as they got tired, they could coast a little bit, drafting on the tails of the one in front of them. They didn’t have to go it alone. They didn’t need to try to navigate the route by themselves. They didn’t have to solely rely on their stamina. They made the trek TOGETHER. I know too many parents who have tried to make their trek alone. Not knowing where to turn to get the support and direction they need. Not having a way to coast. Only relying on their stamina (or lack of it). Only relying on their navigation even in territory they have never encountered. After hearing time after time from those parents who felt alone, who felt unsure of how to help their children, I created something new – Intentional Parent Coaching Group. A way to give them tools, direction, and support.
Let’s get you and your family SOARING! www.tohavehope.com/intentional-parent-coaching-group |
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