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I Was Thinking...
I am REALLY EXCITED!!! The Ultimate "START OVER" is Almost Upon Us! Last year and all of its yuck does NOT define me or my child or my relationship with my child, as long as... I can start over. When we are dealing with hard stuff day after day, it gets REALLY hard to start over! We get so stuck in our thinking that we are no longer healing...we are actually just stopped in so many ways! Well, my goal is PEACE, JOY, LAUGHTER and HEALING--To achieve that goal, starting over is KEY! It's so freeing to be able to move forward rather than spin your wheels or feel backed into a corner....As the parent, IT'S UP TO YOU! I know what you are thinking...How do I just START OVER??? First, you have to focus on FORGIVENESS---forgive yourself, forgive your support system, forgive your child, forgive.... Second, you have to EDUCATE YOURSELF---our children are so much more than their behaviors. If we truly understand "all" of them, our lives as their parents will be changed - our entire family will be different. There is so much to know and remember; we have to make this a regular routine! Third, you have to USE TOOLS and TECHNIQUES THAT WORK---we have to do "it" differently. The way we do "it" makes a huge difference Fourth, you have to SURROUND YOURSELF WITH THOSE THAT REALLY KNOW---finding people who really get it helps us to feel normal and accepted, gives us fuel, and helps us to never feel alone. I know it seems like a lot, but when you are talking LIFE CHANGING...it's going to be big! You can do it, WE can do it...TOGETHER!! Get Ready...The Ultimate START OVER is almost upon us!
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I Was Thinking...
As I am working hard to coordinate a Christmas Giving Program for our community, I am being reminded over and over again the importance of meeting people where they are…emotionally. Because our kids are survivors we often don’t experience their true emotion. We often experience the techniques they’ve come to count on to feel safe! Don’t be fooled! Use your head. Be Realistic. If your child has suffered loss, lived in poverty, been abused or neglected, been abandoned, lost their primary caregiver, or had to fend for themselves in any way, they have been forced to use self–reliant techniques to get this far! These techniques run from their core! They are part of the wiring of a brain impacted by trauma! They do not go away if they “try harder". They are not defiant acts! Sometimes those survival techniques are disguised as over-compliant, self-depriving, perfectionism, and quiet or under the wire personas. Be careful not to miss them. Other times they are not hard to see at all because they are loud and clear, controlling and manipulative and are glaringly present! Here’s the secret… Before human beings can trust, participate in healthy relationships, develop self-esteem, learn, etc…, they must feel SAFE - emotionally, physically, and psychologically! Survival techniques help our children to feel like they are in CONTROL and that feeling of control helps them to feel SAFE! The behaviors that are so troublesome for us, those behaviors that we take personally, those behaviors we dub as purposeful or defiant are not any of the above. They are simply behaviors that protect our children from feeling vulnerable, out of control and unsafe. My Hope…. I have HOPE that we can build a consistent, loving relationship based in meeting our children where THEY are no matter what. I have HOPE that we can let the understanding of the behavior be acknowledged as the true emotion it protects! Then we will be able to more accurately interpret words, body language, choices, affect, etc... I have HOPE that we can meet our children where they are emotionally and help them to be more successful in relying on us to help them feel “safe”, thereby being a measure of new trust. I have HOPE that with time and intentional parenting we can give our children the ultimate gift--- A “place” in the world they can truly feel SAFE because they believe they are WORTHY of it! I Was Thinking...
So many families out there are feeling chaotic and unhappy. How can things change? As Adoptive and Foster Parents we have to DO IT DIFFERENTLY. The time is now! It doesn't matter where you are on this journey...become an Intentional Parent! How? Each moment, commit to meet your child right where they are...emotionally, psychologically, and physically. It's a "No Matter What" kind of commitment! It's a "Different than Everyone Else " kind of commitment. It's a "For as Long as it Takes" kind of commitment. You can do it! Create Peace in your family. Find Yourself. Be the Change! Do it differently. Be an Intentional Parent. |
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