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I Was Thinking...
The TRUTH is there really is NO MAGIC PILL that takes all the pain away and fixes everything! Healing happens when our kids TRULY understand that we will never abandon them, NO MATTER WHAT! Being an INTENTIONAL PARENT works! In many instances, it is really about parenting in the OPPOSITE way you might think! It is always about understanding your child's DEFICITS and parenting from there! There is no magic involved at all... it is A NEW WAY OF THINKING THAT WORKS!
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I Was Thinking...
In our line of work, one of the most powerful ways to create change and prompt healing is to become INTENTIONAL PARENTS! Intentional Parents know that parenting biological kids and parenting adopted/foster kids has to come FROM DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS! They EDUCATE THEMSELVES about every aspect of their child and the tools and techniques that really work for their child! Their goal is to parent their child with their DEFICITS, EMOTIONAL AGE and HISTORY as their guide! They strive to have a NO MATTER WHAT relationship with their child! They are committed to parent their child for AS LONG AS IT TAKES! Intentional Parents CHANGE the world one day at a time and one child at a time! I Was Thinking...
There's one thing I know without a shadow of a doubt…we NEED to parent our adopted children differently than we do our biological children or than we were parented. The loss of that primary attachment figure changed their lives FOREVER...it has taken its toll. They have ALL been affected! Understanding the implications of their trauma and abandonment changes the way you view your child! Reminding yourself over and over again how those implications play into every moment of his day, every choice, every thought is crucial in really knowing how to live with him and how to parent him! Educating yourself is crucial in helping you understand the "whys" and it also gives you the ability to stay in the relationship NO MATTER WHAT and the motivation to find and use TOOLS that WORK! I know what it is like to feel bogged down in all of the behavior. I remember wondering if anything would help. I spent many hours afraid it would never change and contemplating whether I was the right person to parent my adopted child. The CHANGE came when I truly realized I had to do "it" DIFFERENTLY! I had to understand THIS child...every last bit of her before things would be better. I've experienced the CHANGE! Not all deficits are totally gone, but our lives are much more PEACEFUL. Self-doubt is a thing of the past and I know I am my child's best chance at HEALING! I am excited to share what I've learned! I want to GIVE YOU THE TOOLS...you don't have to settle or feel backed-into-a-corner all of the time. There are tools and techniques you can use to change all of that! Using the TOOLS designed with an adopted child's deficits in mind is pivotal to the CHANGE you are seeking! HEALING can happen...if you use the right tool for the job! This is the stuff I share in my webinars, on Facebook, in workshops and in my coaching...I love to talk about it! It's LIFE CHANGING! Remember! YOU are in charge of your own happiness. EDUCATE YOURSELF so you can see and do things differently and ultimately find YOUR way to HAPPY again! I Was Thinking...
I've been telling my husband for years that our adopted kids are going to be with us past 18. There were many times he wasn't so sure that was a great idea. Well, today our oldest adopted child chronologically turns 18 years old. What pressure comes with this number--it's crazy! She, like most 18 year olds, feels the pressure that society instills to figure out her future and move on it. Not to mention the pressure she's created herself with the many years of "promising" that when she turns 18 she's "out of here" because we're so hard on her and she would be better off on her own. Here's the crazy part...emotionally she is about 12! We've made lots of progress, but she's still 12 most days! Fourteen on a really good day and a good day means she's really plugged into me. So, does 18 mean we're done? Does 18 mean we've finished the job? We gave her all she needed? Does 18 mean she doesn't need the Safety Net as much? Our journey has been ROCKY to say the least. I've wanted to be done many times before now. I suppose we could be done, send her on her way...we struggle with sending a 12 year old out in the world alone. It might be a relief for us, but she didn't ask us to adopt her, we pulled her out of everything she knew and everything she was "wired" for. The question is "Is she ready?" So, clearly a new chapter begins! We could choose to be stuck in the question of "why us" or when can we be done", but it seems more important to ask the question, HOW can WE make this work? So, I think the answer is that we need to BE THE BRIDGE between 12 and 18. We absolutely need to continue to be Intentional Parents with the new category of "adult" in our radar. We need to honor her needs as an 18 year old and help her achieve them while being emotionally 12. We need to keep actively parenting her. She deserves more time to practice trusting that we are her Safety Net NO MATTER WHAT! This next chapter in parenting our daughter is not going to be any easier than the last. Actually, emotionally I think it could be more difficult in some ways...we need to claim our stuff about "18" and put it aside. Again, we need to educate ourselves in a new way, we need to find and use new tools that work for our daughter in this situation and seek out others who are doing the same. The biggest challenge is that we need to do all of this and we are TIRED. So, we need HOPE to fuel us. WE need to ask the question HOW not why and we need to remember that we made a commitment and WE ARE STRONG enough to do this! WE ARE THE BRIDGE to her success and happiness! In all honesty, success and happiness was what we wanted for her when we decided to adopt...so we are just still doing what we set out to do in the first place - NO MATTER WHAT! Intentional Parents have to make a commitment to parent their children for as long as it takes and NO MATTER WHAT! |
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