 Here's a quick little piece of knowledge that is SO intensely powerful it can change your whole perspective on how to respond to your child's expression of anger.
Actually it can change your whole response to anyone's expression of anger - including your own! One of the most important things we can do in ANY relationship is to meet that other person right where they are at. As we strive to do that, it is essential to really look at that whole person and the whole experience. Often times, our children act out in anger and aggression and it really gets in the way of a healthy relationship between us because we are focusing on the anger. The key to really meeting him where he is at, the way to decrease the anger episodes, is to understand fully that anger is a secondary emotion and that we need to understand and work to heal the primary emotion, the one that anger is covering up! Many times that primary emotion isn't even recognized or realized because it is below the surface. It is hugely important that we address the root of the anger and that we teach our kids to do the same...and that root is typically made up of sad, scared, rejected, disrespected, frustrated and humiliated... emotions never attended to. When something happens that you would typically say made that child mad, they were first experiencing a different emotion like sad or scared. But sad and scared keep a person vulnerable so anger quickly rises to cover or protect them from being vulnerable -so quickly that it is experienced as the primary emotion. Anger pushes people back and even holds them back. SO...as a parent who is trying to help your kids heal, you are responsible to look past the anger and not only meet them at ALL of their emotional struggles but also help them to identify ALL of them as well. When you are being confronted with anger... dig deeper within you, look wider at the whole situation and your child's whole person to be able to name the primary emotions and parent from there. What are they afraid of? What could be making them sad? Are they feeling rejected or humiliated? What is REALLY happening? Remember mad is "covering up" emotions like sad and scared. Re-frame it for yourself. Meet them there. Parent them from there. Soften. Forgive. Understand. Redirect. Start over. Shift expectations. Restate. Use this technique in any of your relationships. Use it when you are angry. Is it that you are mad or are you sad? What can you do to take care of those REAL emotions? Be honest. Self Care. Surround Yourself With Others That Get It. Go to Where Change Is Happening. This is BIG STUFF. When you wrap your head around it, it can change the whole way you parent and the whole way your child reacts. You can do this!
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 This adoptive and foster parenting journey can be challenging at times, that’s for sure. I am always looking for ways to make the journey easier, less overwhelming. One thing that can make a big impact is mindset. And the great thing about that is unlike so many things that are not in our control, our mindset is solely in our control.
One easy way to improve your mindset is to find the good in each day. Often, I ask the question on my Facebook page “What was one BRIGHT spot in your day today?” Some days, it can be really easy to find the bright spot. Some days we are lucky enough to have lots of bright spots to choose from. But, as adoptive & foster parents, we all know there are those days that it feels like the answer is nothing. Not one single bright spot. Zilch. But I assure you, there is always a bright spot. Sometimes it might be a little one such as 5 min to read a magazine. Or some brief “quiet” time while the kiddos are watching Frozen for the zillionth time. Or even a quick hideout in the pantry to escape and eat some chocolate. And even if the bright spot in the day was bedtime, it still was a bright spot. A great way to end each day is to find your bright spot. Going to sleep with your bright spot on your mind rather than the replaying of the crappy parts of your day will bring a more peaceful sleep and a brighter start to tomorrow. So I ask you… What was one bright spot in your day today? Pop on over to my Facebook page and let me know. Can’t wait to hear!  Hey World...
I know to you I may seem angry. I speak with grit teeth and furrowed brow. I know that all too often I am rushing through the moment. I am short with you. I know that I have turned away from you exasperated. I have no patience left. I want you to know that I am NOT angry. Not with you, not with my child, not even with myself. You need to know that angry is the big strong wall that protects how sad and scared I really am! I am sad that my child has to suffer so. I am sad that our lives are riddled with emotional fall out. I am sad that I can't fix it. I am sad that you don't understand. I am sad that no one knows how to help my child. I am sad... I am scared that my child will never feel better, be happy. I am scared that his life will always be this way. I am scared that he will hurt himself or someone else. I am scared I will never figure out how to help him. I am scared my life is falling apart. I am scared... I need your support. I need you to not judge. I need you to understand that this mission is harder than you think. I need you to understand that I am fighting for my child's future. I have to do it differently than you do. I need you to understand that just because you don't understand doesn't make me wrong or mean. You don't see it all. The truth is I will continue to do whatever it takes whether you support me or not. However, I would much rather do it with your support. I am a good mom. I am not angry. I am a good Mom! Signed, The Mom of a child who has come from a hard place. (by Stacy Manning)  Support Group. Team. Allies. Community. Tribe.
I don't care what you call it. It is absolutely essential to your success! Many of us were not brought up consciously KNOWING this, but if you seek it out you will be amazed. This has been proven to me over and over as I work with parents across the globe. It has been a wonderful, enlightening, and empowering surprise to them. Here's what I know for sure about achieving success...there are definitely 3 parts that work together. 1. Passion....keep trying and trying. In it for as long as it takes. 2. Clarity....have a mission and goals. Precise action plan that uses tools and techniques that work to meet your specific goals. 3. Surrounding yourself with like-minded people - people that GET IT...allies, people who support you in achieving your goal Here's what I see... Most parents have got number one down...actually adoptive, foster, grand and kinship parents are absolutely amazing when it comes to passion! Many know they need a plan and are actively searching for it! But, if you don't have ALL three components together your success is in jeopardy...having allies on this journey is often the missing piece! Allies are people in your life that are fundamentally interested in seeing you succeed. It’s your support system… your safety net… your biggest source of inspiration. Sounds great, right? Most parents would love to have as many allies as possible. But they don't! There are 2 reasons why most parents don't have allies. Challenge # 1. Most of the time we have more "negative people" in our life than allies - or maybe it seems like more because they are typically louder and more annoying. Listen, people that don't walk the journey just can't get it. It is okay! Whether they believe you or not and whether they choose to support you or not doesn't make you right or wrong. It doesn't make your parenting choices right or wrong. Stop trying to convince them. The great news is that you can find lots of allies if you seek them out. You CAN create a support system that is more heavy on the allies then the negatives. Challenge # 2. We don't realize there are 3 kinds of allies we need to seek out and surround ourselves with. Let's call them mentors, comrades, and newbies. Mentors - They are the people that inspire you to take action and show you that more is possible. They not only "get it", but they have been there and have made it to the other side. Comrades - The people on the same level as you are. The Parents in the trenches next you. These Moms and Dads “get it” cause they are in the thick of it with you. Newbies - Then there are those who are just entering the journey. These Parents want to "get it" and you can help them. Helping them will help you more then you know. The benefits of building a support network of all three types of allies is absolutely where change and healing happens. Here's the thing, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that being surrounded by like minded people - your allies - is essential to keeping your batteries charged so that you can stay in it for as long as it takes. It helps you stay inspired and motivated to build and follow your action plan and it helps you stay full of passion and dedication to the job at hand. You get caught in the flow. It lightens your load, smooths your path, and pulls you through when you need it. The GREAT NEWS is that you can find all the elements needed for success in my Intentional Parent Coaching Group. Passion, Clarity and surrounded by all the layers of like minded people = success for your child, you and actually your whole family! It is time! Time to make sure your family is where you want them to be. It is possible to be successful; you just have to have the right components all working at the same time and this is it! *** As another bonus, only members of the IPCG get to attend my next class How to Map Out a Happy 2017: Be More Focused, Positive and Hopeful All Year Long With the power of technology and the internet you are able to immerse yourself with other like-minded people no matter where you are. You can find tens of thousands of people passionately pouring their souls and hearts into helping their children heal. Here's how it works. As a member you get: One one One access to ME 3 times a month My Live monthly "Training to use TODAY" session A CLOSED Facebook Group of other parents doing what you are doing - no judging and questioning just 24/7 support Weekly check-ins and tweaks in our CLOSED Facebook Page and FREE access to ALL future classes I teach! PLUS Access to the Learning Library - My top 8 selling classes + archived recordings of my Intentional Parent Coaching Group Trainings IT's TIME! Just CLICK the LINK below and let's get you started on the path to success! http://www.tohavehope.com/intentional-parent-coaching-group.html  It kind of feels like CONTROL has become a dirty word. Adoptive & Foster Parents are always afraid to say that they feel like they have no control over their child or over their family's life.
I want to say this loud and clear...It is totally okay to want to feel like you are in control as parent - as a matter of fact your children need you to be. It's your job. Yes, being controlling can be bad. But being in control of what your children get to do, what rules they will follow, and when things will change means you are protecting them, valuing them and creating situations in which they can be successful. However, when it comes to adopted & foster children who only feel safe when THEY are the one in control, it's a constant battle to do your job as parent. Blaming, lying, sneaking, calling names, not listening and so many other behaviors work to push you to lose your self-esteem, your own emotional regulation and even your hope for the future. Little by little it's as if you are losing control over your whole life. It is time to put an end to that! The key to feeling in control is to be that safe, unshakeable, no matter what parent your adopted or foster child needs in order to feel REALLY safe. How do you become that safe, unshakeable, no matter what parent? You must ALWAYS HAVE A PLAN! Knowing what to say and do in the moment, creating an emotionally and physically safe place by being able to manage any ocurrance, and meeting your child right where he is and parenting him there all happen when you have a plan. Healing happens when you have a plan. Your child feels safe when you have a plan. You feel confident when you have a plan. You have life IN CONTROL when you have a PLAN! You need a plan that shows you when, where, and how to take action, a plan that is consistent and doable and yet a plan that is flexible so that you can meet your children where they are at - humans ebb and flow. An action plan combined with a mentor and other parents who get it and support & new insight at your fingertips is going to put YOU back in control again! Then you will see your family begin to THRIVE again. Come and join my Intentional Parent Coaching Group and get your plan in place! You are a GREAT MOM and your family needs YOU to be in control. Here's how it works; As a member of my Intentional Parent Coaching Group you will have full access to 13 of my top selling classes + archived recordings of my Intentional Parent Coaching Group Trainings PLUS
Now all YOU have to do is CLICK the LINK below and let's get you started on the path to feeling like yourself again and a more peaceful connected family! http://www.tohavehope.com/intentional-parent-coaching-group.html Can't wait to see you in the Coaching Group. With love and dedication to the health of your family, Stacy Manning  Your child can and should have friends - they just need your help making it happen long after you might think they would.
Friends are very important to a child's healthy development. Research has found that having friends is an essential part of their social and emotional development. Having friends helps children develop morals, practice social skills and learn how to communicate, cooperate, and problem solve. They practice controlling their emotions and eventually responding to the emotions of others. They develop the ability to think through challenges and negotiate in a healthy manner within their relationships. Having friends has even shown to enhance school performance. Increased self-confidence and self-esteem is also another huge benefit in having friends. However, a child is not born with social skills. And when we add in the impacts of trauma combined with the grief and loss our children deal with - making and keeping friends becomes a very real challenge. Here's what you really need to understand...that first relationship (the primary relationship) is meant to be the relationship that all others are based on. It sets the stage for all future relationships, including friendships. It helps the child develop the basic trust and self-confidence necessary to go out and meet others later. It provides a firm foundation on which the child can develop social skills. Our kiddos have lost that in one way or another. For some, it is cracked and chipped and for some it has been completely shattered. The repair or rebuilding of that foundation is where WE begin to help our children. Overall, we work to create a safe foundation by intentionally choosing to meet our child right where they are at. We need to make parenting choices that use our child's whole story as the point of reference and we commit to stay in it with them No Matter What and for as LONG as it takes. When it comes to friendships, here are a few things you can do to help your child be more successful: 1. Understand that the inability to make friends is an impact of your child's beginnings - not because he doesn't try hard enough. 2. Be the bridge between where your child is emotionally and where he is chronologically. Many times our children have not been able to develop emotionally due to an unstable and chaotic childhood so they are younger emotionally then they are chronologically. Help them connect with other children who are in that emotional range as much or more as the chronological one. 3. YOU do the inviting and planning. Shows your child you believe in him. 4. Bring opportunities to spend time with friends into your home where your child feels the safest emotionally. 5. Remember, many times (especially when he is most anxious) your child needs you to be his external regulator. Stay close so that when he needs you you can jump in. Disregulation is hard for other kids to understand. 6. Keep play time together short at first.(I typically recommend a couple of hours at most) End it while things are still going well. Overnights are for down the road - that's a whole other story. 7. Plan multiple activities they both enjoy doing. Expectations are clear = lower anxiety. 8. Having a snack served will help decrease some anxiety for many of our kids. 9. Be a gentle interpreter and activity guide in the moment whenever needed. Help things go well while they are together. 10. When it's over, teach. Now over the next week or so you can do some deeper reflecting and interpretation. For example, "You know I was thinking...the other day when Sally was over...it is good to remember to take turns going first. Sally looked a little frustrated that she didn't get a turn to go first. So next time let's give that a try " 11. Repeat, starting at #1. Practice, Practice, Practice. It's never too late to help your kids with making friends. Use the basic premise here and tweak it to fit with your teens needs. Most importantly, meet your children where they are at. Which often means that we need to stay in it with them longer then we expected! Go ahead, get started today...how can YOU begin to teach your child how to make and keep friends? You CAN do this,  I don't know about you, but I just got tired of the yelling and arguing - especially when it came out of MY mouth!
Here's the thing... parenting a child who doesn't seem to listen, who always seems to be trying to be in control, and who usually does the opposite of what you ask is SO frustrating. I so get it. I remember times when my daughter would argue with me about anything and everything. How I walked. What color the sky was. You know...AN.Y.Thing! Sometimes I could keep it together, but WAY too many times I lost it. I yelled. She yelled. It was a yelling fest. And the big reality was...I felt like CRAP afterwards. This was NOT the kind of Mom I wanted to be. It was NOT the kind of person I wanted to be. Something had to change! After years of research and experience, I found the keys to my Peaceful Kingdom. I found the keys to quieting the yelling and to ending the arguing. What a wonderful shift for my whole family. What a wonderful relief to my own heart. Back to my old self! Let me help YOU get there too! You are a GREAT parent, wanting only good things for your child - that hasn't changed. You and your whole family deserve a Peaceful Kingdom too! I have paired up 2 POWERFUL RESOURCES that will effectively arm you to create and maintain YOUR Peaceful Kingdom! Full access to my new Intentional Parent Learning Library AND membership in my Intentional Parent Coaching Group! My top 8 selling classes + archived recordings of my Intentional Parent Coaching Group Trainings PLUS One one One access to ME 3 times a month My Live monthly "Training to use TODAY" session A CLOSED Facebook Group of other parents doing what you are doing - no judging and questioning just 24/7 support Weekly check-ins and tweaks in our CLOSED Facebook Page and FREE access to ALL future classes I teach! Now all YOU have to do is CLICK the LINK below and let's get you started on the path to feeling like yourself again and a more peaceful connected family! http://www.tohavehope.com/intentional-parent-coaching-group.html With love and dedication to the health of your family, Stacy Manning  Last night I made some time to go to a movie and out for dinner. Time to connect with a friend. Time to take care of me. I have to be honest, I don’t do that very often. In fact, I don’t make time for me as often as I should (or as often as I need). But what I know is that on this parenting journey, we NEED to be taking time for to fill ourselves up.
I know, I know. There just doesn’t seem to be enough time. Your kiddos need you. Your to-do list is a mile long. By the end of the day, you are EX. HAUST. ED! I get it. Trust me, I get it. But here’s the deal…this journey is a long one. And it takes a whole lot of commitment and stamina to keep keepin’ on. The reality, if you are depleted, you do not have the full reserve it takes to pour into your family. To give your kiddos all that they need. So I challenge you (and I’m challenging myself) to make the commitment to take care of YOU! Little ways or big ways. Something that FILLS you up. Something that gives you a little oomph, a little “I’m so glad I did that”. Find at least one thing to do just for you this week. And next week. And the week after that. You get the idea. Call a friend. Go out for dinner. Get your nails done. Grab a comfy blanket and watch a favorite show or a new movie. Stop at the library and find one of those “can’t put it down” books and make some time to read. Volunteer for a charity that means something to you. Bring a meal to a neighbor. Do something crafty. Journal. The list is ENDLESS. Jot down your favorites, choose one or two or several, get them on your calendar and MAKE THEM HAPPEN! You deserve it, but even more importantly, you NEED it! And your kiddos will even benefit – you will be refueled and recharged. Ready, set, GO!  I am SO excited to tell you about my new Learning Library!
So, as you know I started this journey 16 years ago and often felt totally alone, uninformed, and like I was failing myself, my child and my whole family. Yes, I could find info about some of the stuff going on with my kiddos. I could find the whys about the things that were happening but the reality was that no one could really tell me HOW to be a Mom to my girls. You know...that in the moment what do I say, what do I do stuff that we deal with every day - no one could really help me. This is the stuff I now know makes all the difference in the world when it comes to progress and healing. How we handle the everyday is what rewires unhealthy beliefs and attitudes that trip our children up. How we handle the everyday is what leads to better self regulation. How we handle the everyday is where trust, hope, and self-worth grows. How we handle the everyday is how we give our children the "one and only" they desire and deserve and so much more! When I started doing things differently, being more INTENTIONAL then I had ever imagined, when I started using tools and techniques that met our children right where they were at, our life began to SHIFT. The shift included peace, calm, trust, break-through after break-through. My whole family was healthier. I felt more competent and happy. Life changed for the better. Okay, back to the exciting news. As always my passion is to support other families who are stuck or struggling. You don't have to do this alone. I want to show you how to create a SHIFT for your family too. SO...I have put together a Learning Library for YOU! No, it is not a lot of WHY WHY WHY only. The why is there...but the HOW is the FOCUS! They include tools, techniques, what to physically do, what to say, how to ask others for support and so much more. Here's the Great News! I have paired up 2 POWERFUL RESOURCES to arm you to take your family TO & BEYOND break-throughs and health. Full access to my Learning Library AND membership in my Intentional Parent Coaching Group! When you combine my Learning Library with my Intentional Parent Coaching Group you get: My top 8 selling classes + archived recordings of my Intentional Parent Coaching Group Trainings PLUS One one One access to ME 3 times a month My Live monthly "Training to use TODAY" session A CLOSED Facebook Group of other parents doing what you are doing - no judging and questioning just 24/7 support Weekly check-ins and tweaks in our CLOSED Facebook Page and FREE access to ALL future classes I teach! Now all YOU have to do is click the link below and let's get you started on the path to peace, calm, break-through, and a much happier life for your whole family! http://www.tohavehope.com/intentional-parent-coaching-group.html  As soon as people hear me say I’m an adoptive parent, it seems inevitable that the comments will start coming. “You are a saint!” “There’s a special spot in heaven for people like you.” “You must be a superhero!” Nope, nope and nope. I am not a saint, not a superhero. I’m a PARENT!
A parent helping my child heal. A parent doing whatever I can for as long as it takes. A parent who will be there for my child NO MATTER WHAT. A parent trying my best every single day. A parent being there for a child who lost her biological family. A parent making mistakes along the way. A parent full of love and commitment. A parent who stumbles and loses her way, but who gets back up and keeps going. A parent. So…not a saint. Not a superhero. A parent. |
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