4th of July Celebrations with Adopted & Foster Kiddos

It's that time of year again. Summer. Celebrations. Fun.

But as we know, it isn't always fun. It doesn't always work.

The other day, this was a topic in one of our coaching sessions. The mom just wanted her child to have a really great summer and especially a wonderful 4th of July, just how she had as a girl. Cooking hot dogs around the campfire, chasing glow bugs after dark, and sitting on a blanket oohing and awing at the fire works. 

However, her family's celebration looked nothing like her childhood celebration.

She shared how her child just would not behave. Her and her husband felt like their daughter was trying to wreck it - like she didn't care about the rest of the family at all. 

They had given up on celebrating. While she was really sad about that, she was tried of trying when it didn't really work.

Can you relate?

Lots of times we have to do it differently, but that if we meet our kiddos right where they were at,  it would be so much more doable.

We went on to look at how the 4th of July probably felt to her child. Her daughter struggled with trigger after trigger, impact of trauma after impact of trauma, misguiding her emotional and mental experience and so much more.

Basic things like a new routine, new sounds, new food, new people around can create questions of survival (emotional and physical) for a survivor. Even many years later.

Then add in impacts of trauma like dis-regulation, sensory issues, and no cause and effect thinking and physical chaos ensues.

Finally, add in the basics like a younger emotional age than physical age, anniversaries, personal experience and her child was standing on very "shaky ground" when it came to sorting it all out and succeeding.

So...here are a few things to put in place to make it doable for your ENTIRE family.

• Celebrate at home whenever possible.
• Post a list of people who will attend...keep it simple.

When it comes to food...

•  Always make sure your child knows you have at least one thing he likes.
• Don't mess with your everyday food schedule. You can add to it but don't disrupt it or take away a meal.
• Post and talk about menu...over and over 
• Help your child regulate food choices
• Intentionally parent your child from the knowledge that as anxiety is higher, deficits become "bigger". It is Deficit, NOT Defiance. 
• Don't be afraid to do it differently. Most people are impressed and are questioning their own choices. 
• Headphones and audio books or music are socially acceptable and a real relief for our children. Use them.
• Use other tools to get your child by...sunglasses, ear plugs, fidget tools, weighted items, your touch.
• Create and maintain physical boundaries that help your child succeed. Smaller is always better!
• Do all of the above by considering your child's emotional age as much as his chronological age.
• Remember ALWAYS to consider your child's whole story when making plans...his real life past, his culture, his  beliefs about the world (whether accurate or not), and the possible sensory triggers that may come up.  

Meeting your child right where he's at allows you to make memories and have joy and peace at the same time that you are helping your child heal. It makes life so much more doable! 

Families celebrate.

It's part of being a member of the group. It's part of feeling loved and included. It is really important that we find a way that our children can have that kind of experience.

That's where healing happens. 

I hope you find a way to celebrate, even if it's just for a moment.