Feeling Judged as Adoptive Parents & Foster Parents

Feeling Judged as Adoptive & Foster Parents

1/25/2020

I recently got a call from an adoptive mom. She was feeling down. Discouraged.

And the really hard part…feeling like a bad mom.

She and her family had just gotten back from a family gathering. In the past, her little guy would bounce off the walls at family gatherings. He ran around with his cousins, laughing loudly, and looked to be having a great time. But eventually, it would come to a halt…either with one of the cousins coming to say he wasn’t playing nice or him coming to mom having a meltdown.

This time it was going to be different.

Mom was keeping him close. He had bag of fun things to keep him entertained. And he did better. WAY better.

No meltdown. No bouncing off the walls. He was so much calmer.

But then came the questioning. The doubting.

Mom’s parents and sister-in-law questioned her. Over and over. "Why couldn’t he go play with the other kids?" "Why did he have to stay so close to Mom? " "You seem controlling."

Mom fought back the tears…until she got home.

She felt judged. She felt like she had to defend how she was parenting.

When we’re parenting differently than other people, others sometimes question. Doubt. And they can seem critical. That’s not easy. Especially when it comes from our family or friends.

Here’s the hard part…

sometimes WE are biggest critics. We question. We doubt. Am I the wrong parent for the job? Am I making things worse?

Have you ever felt like that? If so…I’ll tell you what I told this Mom.

You ARE doing a great job! You are meeting your child right where he’s at…and that is a GIFT for your child.

You are doing a GREAT job! You are helping your child succeed…and that is a GIFT for your child.

YOU are doing a great job! You are the right parent for your child. You are giving your child the BEST GIFT of all…a No Matter What parent!!

Give yourself grace. Give yourself a 5 second pat on the back. You deserve it!!

P.S. - If you're an Adoptive or Foster Parent, come be surrounded by support on the journey getting YOUR family to happy & healthy! Click here to join us in CONNECT.

9 Comments

Becky link

5/14/2018 12:29:27 pm

This article spoke to me. I have four precious kiddos adopted from foster care. They often struggle n my husband n I have to use techniques much like the mom in this story to get through things like family gatherings short trips or a graduation ceremony. We often feel judged by others just for meeting our kids needs n hoping to make the event enjoyable for everyone.

Abby

9/2/2018 05:39:09 am

As a foster parents ourselves (hubby and I) don't pay attention to the other parents only matters how you guys raise your kiddos. Sending hugs

Amber Davis

5/15/2018 08:53:42 pm

Every. Single. Day.

Dana

5/30/2018 09:50:25 pm

Thank you for posting this!!

Hi. I was at a family vacation spot and sent my very small shivering 7 1/2 yo in the cold wind out of the swimming pool to get towels out of the towel holder by the pool. As I watched another mother run over, cover him up, ask where his mommy is, and tell him he needs to find his mommy who needs to take him home and give him a hot shower. I felt defeated. I watched as she realized where I was. Then I watched her sit back down and tell her husband “this is the woman”. I went to help my husband with the other 3 kids in the pool and wrap them up to get them out. I then proceeded to go over the the perfect mom and thank her for helping my almost 8 yo son but let her know we are trying to work on independence and initiative. Perfect husband replied OH! Well at least HE got the point. Perfect mom just kept telling me how some kids are colder than others and need a hot shower! I went back to my room defeated, questioning my choices, and angry that I felt the need to explain my life to a complete stranger! MOTHER’S stop judging and start SUPPORTING!!

9/2/2018 05:37:05 am

I agree with you ALL Moms need to be supportive of each other. And not try judge another mom. Don't pay attention to her . Wonder how she would act if the shoe was on the other foot? ..sending hugs and you aren't alone.

CC Blakeley

1/26/2020 12:28:05 am

No judgement I promise, but I have one who cannot maintain body temp as well. We now know his anxiety burns so much of his stress hormones he struggles to maintain his blood sugar. Pools are the worst and we live in the South where it is 120 in the shade.And you have to pull him screaming with frustration with blue lips to eat something while sitting on the burning concrete on his hot towel. LOL Seriously you might want to review with your pediatrician if this could be of help. It changed our lives that sugar can be low only during high stress times.

9/2/2018 05:41:18 am

Ty for this now I can understand my hubby's pov alot better

Clarene

2/4/2020 04:47:28 am

This exactly how I feel ever day,I adopted 3 siblings from foster care an they do the same thing so now I have to keep them close by me but then I get the looks an words from people,it's like I can't win no matter what I do,I feel like such a bad Mom.

Victoria Addington link

9/14/2022 09:50:57 pm

I agreed when you stated that foster parents are doing a great job of helping their children succeed. My friend wants to become a foster parent to an orphan. I should advise her to go for it since her dream is to have a child.

Feeling Judged as Adoptive & Foster Parents

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