"I just don't want to be this child's Mom anymore." Have you ever said these words before or have you ever thought them? Today, I want to let you know you're not alone and that it is okay!
When you're the parent of a hurt child, the journey can be long and painful; it's hard to see progress, the connection doesn't seem to get any stronger, and always having to do it differently is EXHAUSTING. You are doing especially difficult work. You are literally trying to SAVE A LIFE.
So... as you look to continue forward I want you to consider this:
What is the definition of Mom when it comes to your child? It may not be what you first envisioned. It may not be what your other children need. It may not be how your friends do it, etc.. Being this child's mom may mean that they get good health care, that they never worry for food and that you have hope for them...just basic hope like that they can find happiness. This is the ultimate in meeting your child where they are at.
Eventually, we have to decide that it's okay to be the kind of mom that THEY can handle - don't step back too far, that will backfire for sure, but this is a process and our children can only go so fast. And they can only do so much.
Being the mom your kiddo needs you to be (even if it means no real hugs or some mistrust or you don't get anything back at all) is absolutely okay. Don't sell yourself short, what a gift you are giving your child when you can just be the mom they need. No pressure. No disappointment. That gift CAN be given by changing YOUR definition of a good Mom. And in fact it will feel freeing for you too.
You have done all the right things for a long time now so give yourself permission to tweak your definition of mom a bit. Then go find what fills you up and do that too. You'llll have more room, emotionally speaking, to take care of you. And ultimately, that's good for everybody!
Remember...you are NOT alone!