My youngest turned 16 this week. Wow, this year my boys will turn 16, 17 and 20.
First I think...wow I made it! I have to tell you that they are some of the finest young men I know. (I realize I am their Mom, but people tell me this all of the time.) Each of my boys are the most compassionate people you will meet. They are not afraid to lend a hand to those in need, especially to those they don't even know. They have huge hearts. The empathy they live is awesome. They are NOT tainted by the craziness that was our life.
Then I look back and think about one of the biggest worries I had along the way. I really worried that all the chaos and hard behaviors we dealt with constantly would have a negative effect on my bio kids. I was concerned that they would become really angry people or that as adults they would hate me. Our path was VERY rocky!
I have talked to SO many other parents that have had this same worry. So many tears have been shed. I want to say...don't fear. Stay true to who you are. Believe you are a GREAT parent. Teach your children that the hard behaviors and words are what comes when a child loses their mom. I often told my boys that a lot of what happened wasn't acceptable, but it was understandable.
I can't tell you how much control you have over how this all plays out. Your coping mecahnisms need to be in place, your ability to be neutral is essential and your choice to forgive and start fresh are gifts you can give to ALL of your children.
Yes, this can sometimes be a very difficult job. It can be filled with chaos and frustrating behavior. It is ultimately a fight to give our adopted children what our biological children already have...a strong secure attachment. In the mean time, that secure attachment we have with our bio children WILL be ENOUGH!