It Matters

There is one thing that makes me sad....that is the fact that people don't understand that even children adopted at birth have suffered trauma. 

The most recent studies are telling us that losing your primary attachment figure is traumatic and it carries life long impacts for our children. The reality is, that trauma suffered within the care giving system is trauma that is really hard to come back from. 

What we know to be true is that an infant in utero begins to attach to his Mother. He tunes into her heart rate, her respirations, the sound of her voice. He begins to learn to calm based on the rhythm of her movement and breathing. His little brain is being wired to know that when he is born out into this bright, cold, scary world SHE will be the one to keep him alive. She is who he looks for. She is where he KNOWS he will be okay. 

When he loses her, that IS loss. One year, one month, one week, one hour, or one minute of time after he is born he is trying to find that connection if it is not there....it is loss. It is traumatic to this child. We all have to understand that and love our child with that in mind. 

Trauma doesn't have to mean a child is doomed to be an emotional wreck. However, even under the best of circumstances - a loving, planned decision to allow someone else to raise your child - is loss. It is trauma. That trauma changes the wiring of a human being. 

Yes, it is hard to wrap our heads and hearts around that kind of pain for an infant, but it is real and it is our responsibility to be a healing force in our child's life. We must be open to the fact that no matter how great of a life we have made for our children, they have to somehow figure out how to rationalize the fact that the very person their brains were being wired to keep them alive - went away. They have to battle with WHY? 

Be open. Be real. Your child has been impacted! 

I am not asking you to create an issue. I am asking you to honor the reality of being an adopted child!