This May Sound CRAZY...

 I Was Thinking…
I know it sounds crazy, but this journey can make you a "better" person if you let it!
 
Our hurt kids are truly survivors and in order to still be here they have had to learn
how to zero in on others, especially adults, to really learn how to "do" each of
those relationships in order to get their needs met. When our survivor kids
are triggered and "fighting for their lives", they instinctually know just
what to say and do to control the situation or person and many times that is to
cause us emotional pain.  They don't do this because they are
evil; they do it because they believe they need to "push us back" to
survive! 
 
Where  our self-esteem waivers or our wounds of childhood lay unhealed, where the
questions of our own value lies or our doubts and fears about our
ability lingers - these are the places our children target. The targeting
comes in the form of ridicule, questioning, and blaming
to sabotage, destruction and triangulation of our
closest relationships.  And over time we become raw.  
 
I used to introduce myself and say that in the first 6 years of my life as a
mom I was confident that on my tombstone they would write, "She was a great
Mom". However, after we adopted I changed my mind and knew they would
write, "She was a terrible Mom."  I was getting caught in my child's
spin and making things worse. I was questioning myself and my abilities. I was
miserable and my children could not have believed I could keep them safe, much
less help them heal! 
 
It soon became clear to me...I needed choose to look at myself and my
vulnerabilities and injuries.  I needed to do some work on them for myself
and for my children!  I had been getting by keeping a lot of my stuff
just under the surface of my busy life, but it wasn't working
anymore.  I did a lot of soul searching, journaling, self-education,
vitamins, etc...  I won't say that I am perfect now...that is not
realistic; no one is perfect.  However, I can say that my confidence in
myself is strong, I am sure of my mission and my purpose here on earth and, as a
matter of fact, I really am able to own the rest of my stuff much more
clearly. 
 
As I continue to work on myself - because I believe the job is never done - I am
stronger and can most importantly be VERY clear on what is mine and what is
not!  Now instead of adding to my child's spin and instead of
increasing their anxiety with my questioning of myself, I am truly a HEALING
FORCE! 
 
I have walked beside many moms and dads on this adoptive/foster
journey who have had to look in the mirror and see the good, the bad
and the ugly and then work to strengthen and heal
themselves.  Deal with their reality.  Some chose to use the
tools I did, some worked with their doctors to get some help and
others sought out someone to help them work on THEIR emotional
health.  They have finally taken care of themselves. What a great
gift...both to themselves and to their children! 
 
In order to help our kids heal, we need to work on being healed ourselves--we both
deserve it!