My Adopted or Foster Child just keeps making the same hurtful choice over and over again. He just doesn't care. Sticker charts don't even work. Neither consequences or rewards motivate him. She's doing it on purpose. Sound familiar?
I hear these and more frustrations time and time again from Adoptive & Foster Parents and they all boil down to one very common impact of trauma...the inability to use Cause & Effect Thinking. Children begin to develop Cause & Effect thinking as early as eight months old. An inconsistent, chaotic, or unsafe environment gets in the way of a child getting though this developmental stage. Cause & Effect thinking allows us to make assumptions and be able to reason about things that happen around us. Like if I don't water the plant, it'll die. It also helps us understand other people's intentions and behaviors. Let me just say it this way...sticker charts don't work with our Adopted & Foster kiddos because they don't get that if I do A then B will happen. As a matter of fact, most of the time the expectation and anxiety that failing to succeed on the sticker chart creates worse behavior. And they are not making the same choice over and over again to be hurtful; it's because they don't understand that the choice they are making effects the outcome. The lack of Cause & Effect Thinking keeps our kids from accomplishing good things too. "If I don't understand how my choice = a specific outcome, then I don't understand that if I practice or for it, I can get what I want. Your child DOES Care; she just doesn't get that what she says or does has an impact on something or someone else! Did you just have a light bulb moment? Does this sound like someone you know? Knowing the Impact of Trauma, how they look on your child, and what to do about them is a GAME CHANGER for Adoptive & Foster Parents. Knowing this stuff and having tools & strategies to put in place to help your child heal is what's going to help you stay in it with your child. Really getting this will equip you to meet your child where he's at and that's WHERE THE HEALING HAPPENS! Let me teach you all about the impacts of trauma and how to put an action plan full of tools and strategies that work in place for your child! Come and be part of my Intentional Parent Coaching Group today! http://www.tohavehope.com/intentional-parent-coaching-group.html Another big impact of trauma is what I call the Swiss Cheese Effect. Check it out.
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A little while ago I was taking guesses on my Facebook page of our big find for my son at a flea market. Lots of good guesses…and several got it right. A puppy. A super cute puppy to be exact.
Needless to say, my son was thrilled. It’s the biggest smile I’ve seen on his face in a long time. And to watch the sweet interaction between Bella (the puppy) and him brought tears to this momma’s eyes. Bella is his dog. He’s the one taking care of her. The feeding. The walking. The cleaning up after. The taking out to the bathroom. She is his dog. It didn't take long for her to figure out who was her person. She snuggles right into him and his eyes light right up. And unknown to Bella and to him, she serves a purpose. My son Drew is a future movie maker, empathetic, loving, incredibly intelligent, patient, creative, and has an eye to see the beautiful things in the world that others don't. Drew is also dyslexic. Over the years, his struggle with dyslexia has created some anxiety and, as he grew into adolescence, really affected his self-esteem. My son Drew is also strong and he is pushing through this next transition of graduating from high school and determining what he wants to do next. Bella the puppy is going to make this journey with him. She can be there with him to calm his nerves, to love him no matter what, and he can be hers and teach her and train her to be the best Bella she can be. Bella hasn't had any special training to be a "real" therapy dog, but she's already made a huge impact. He is her boy. Now he's got three of us that will be there no matter what and for as long as it takes. Take that, Anxiety! Get ready world...Drew and Bella are about to show you the beautiful things in life! If you can manage a pet, we've always found they have been very healing for our children. Yes, sometimes you'll have to do the feeding or the cleanup because your child's emotional age just isn't there, but the payoff is worth it. It's an investment in healing! School has started or is about to start and I know that it can be a rough time.
Whether it's an academic struggle, a behavioral one, or a relational one - OR ALL THREE - the whole family is affected. And your every day can be turned upside down. Here's the thing...It DOESN'T have to be so hard! There are some key elements that have to be in place to turn your child's school year around, whether you send your child off to school or school at home. There have to be strategies in place to keep YOU, your child's regulation, "ALIVE"...even when you are apart. There has to be clarity about the impacts of trauma your child struggles with and how they impact learning. There has to be a trauma-informed plan, both at home and at school...along with in the bus and on the playground. There has to be an action plan that cuts down on unnecessary transitions. There has to be an IEP in place that takes into account your child's deficits. There has to be an understanding that your child needs school staff to be an extension of you and not a replacement for you. There has to be an educational plan that doesn't trigger your child so that he can learn. And SO MUCH MORE! I want to teach you how to put all of this in place. And then work with you to tweak it as the school year progresses. You CAN do this! Here's how we start...This month in my Intentional Parent Coaching Group we are focusing in on SCHOOL. Not only is our training pointed at how trauma impacts learning and what that looks like on your child, but we are creating action plans to put in place at home and at school. Between our weekly Live sessions, members are able to use the Learning Library that contains one of my best selling classes...Your Child's Best School Year Yet. AND...this month I'm releasing my E-book for Teachers and other School Personnel. (including Coaches, Paraprofessionals, bus drivers, and Teen Group Leaders) This book will help others understand how your child has been impacted by trauma, what they see isn't all there is to your child, how to help your child succeed, how to be an extension of you and SO much more. This e-book will be available to Intentional Parent Coaching Group members ONLY! Let's get this school year started off right...for your child and for you. I can't wait to work with you to make this school year a whole lot better. The time is now, let's do it! Join us today. http://www.tohavehope.com/intentional-parent-coaching-group.html Just a quick note to share something really important I have found in working with adoptive & foster families all around the globe. Creating opportunities in which your adopted or foster child can be SUCCESSFUL is key to a strong connection between he/she and YOU.
A strong connection between YOU and your child is key to (among many other things) his success in gaining the ability to REGULATE his own emotions, behaviors and thoughts. Wow! CAN YOU IMAGINE the impact that would have on your child's every day? Not to mention yours and quite honestly the overall quality of life for your whole family. I hear you asking...well, reality is I asked the same question years ago too. But how do you create those opportunities when sometimes it's so hard it seems impossible? I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that it all starts with parenting from your child's EMOTIONAL AGE. Our children CAN succeed as long as we meet them where they are at. Yes, it's different. Yes, it's counter-intuitive. YES, it works. YES, you can do it; you just need to know how. First, you need to be clear about your child's Emotional Age Range. Then you have to use tools and strategies that help you meet them at that age range. And have an action plan that is based in parenting across the board from your child's emotional age range. A connection built on meeting your child right where he is at = a shift that increases the quality of your whole families life. Your child is more successful in all of his relationships - especially the one between you and he. The scene is set for New Brain Wiring to happen and for New Core Beliefs to begin to develop. Mastery of Developmental Milestones can be gained. A much more secure connection is being formed. And that Secure Connection is where your child's ability to regulate better grows from. It all starts from meeting them where they are at...and the most successful way to do that is to Parent from their Emotional Age! SO, No More Imagining...let me help you zero in on your child's Emotional Age Range and learn to Parent from there! Your WHOLE family will feel the positive impact! In the video class Emotional Age Matters, you will get the tools to determine your child's emotional age range and then tips and strategies to parent from there, meeting your child right where he's at while still honoring his chronological age. It can be a juggle, but it IS possible. And it's what your child needs. It's a game changer! My goal is to get an action place in plan for you and your family. One that includes looking at your whole child, meeting him right where he's at, and staying in it for as long as it takes. One that begins from his EMOTIONAL AGE! Success. Increased Quality of Life. The Shift you have been waiting for! The Intentional Parent Coaching Group Take action today! JOIN US! I know how hard you’re working at helping your kiddo. Ever feel like nothing's working? This journey can be rough at times. Lonely. Exhausting. Defeating. Uncertain. I know because I was there.
Seventeen years ago we brought our girls home. Boy, we there some rocky times. But…we’ve made it to the other side. And along the way, I came up with ways to do it differently. Ways that really worked for my girls. And I want to share them with you. I want to help you. You don’t have to do it alone. You don’t have to stay miserable. You don’t have to settle. I’m reaching my hand out to YOU. Grab hold. Seriously. It can be a whole lot better. Grab my hand. Let me get you tools that really work. Grab my hand. Let me get you a plan for your child, for your family. Grab my hand. Let me hold you up when you can’t take another step. Grab my hand. Let’s do this together.Let’s get you and your family to HAPPY & HEALTHY. Join me in the Intentional Parent Coaching Group and you'll be equipped, empowered, and supported like never before. Let do this together! Join me today. http://www.tohavehope.com/intentional-parent-coaching-group.html I recently bought a new bracelet for myself. A simple yet beautiful bracelet with a powerful inscription. Just a single word. BRAVE.
It’s a reminder for me. A reminder to continue to be brave. Brave for my family. Brave for myself. And brave for all the families I mentor. When things are rough, it can be easy to feel defeated. Overwhelmed. Ready to throw in the towel. Anything but brave. BUT…when it comes to our children, we can’t stay there. We need to keep fighting for them. We need to keep doing whatever we can…finding new tools, trying different ways. We need to keep being BRAVE. Every day I interact with parent after parent after parent. And yes, sometimes they feel defeated. Worn out. Hopeless. But I have to say, they are some of the bravest people I know (even though they feel brave lots of days). They took a leap when they began this journey. They keep at it…even when it feels impossible. And they are reaching out to get help. To get support. To learn new ways. They are doing whatever they can to help their kiddos. And that’s BRAVE. Remind yourself of how BRAVE and how STRONG you are. Even on those days when you don’t feel it, you ARE brave. Strolling through Target yesterday and it’s clear…school’s starting soon. Notebooks. Pencils. Parents with supply lists in hand, some with kids in tow. “Getting ready for school” is in the air.
School…it’s always I topic I get asked about. A LOT. It’s inevitable, within 6 weeks of school starting calls are pouring in. And that’s why we are digging deep into school now, before kiddos start struggling. Let’s get ahead of it so your child succeed at school. The challenges and struggles many adopted and foster kiddos deal with are not truly understood by many teachers. Often, it gets seen as defiance rather than what it actually is…impacts of trauma. Too often teachers are not able to keep our kiddos safe emotionally and psychologically because they are not trauma-informed. Teachers have a lot of training, but not enough when it comes to being trauma informed regarding adopted and foster children. I’m a big believer in getting the school team on the same page as the parents. I’ve been asked by parent after parent if I had something they could give to their children’s teachers. Something that would explain the “what it looks like on my child and why”. And so I’m in the process of creating just that…an ebook for parents to share with their child’s school team. It will be up this month in the Coaching Group as a bonus to share your child’s school team. In addition, we will be meeting online weekly to get a plan tweaked for your child and your questions answered. This school year can look a whole lot different…for your child and for you. Join me in the Intentional Parent Coaching Group and let’s get your child off to a great start and make this his best school year yet! http://www.tohavehope.com/intentional-parent-coaching-group.html Oh. My. Gosh. I am so excited to tell you about what's going on this month in the Intentional Parent Coaching Group!
August is all about getting YOU and YOUR FAMILY ready for SCHOOL! And getting SCHOOL ready to help your child succeed! We are going to continue our study of the impacts of TRAUMA and what they look like in your everyday life...especially at school. Then Stacy will help you tweak your action plan by teaching you tools and strategies that will create the shift you are looking for. In addition to weekly Live Q&A sessions with Stacy, FREE access to the Learning Library full of Stacy's best selling classes (even the newest class that was made for you to share with family and friends), membership in the Closed Facebook Group and DEEP DISCOUNTS on Private Coaching Sessions with Stacy and membership opportunities in our Focus Groups...Members will get to be the part of some incredible bonuses this month! Bonus #1 - Live Emotional Age Matters Class. Come and discover your child's emotional age range and I'll give you tools &strategies you can use to help your child heal by meeting him right where he is. This is foundational information for any Intentional Parent that should be measured every 6 months or so to help you accurately consider your whole child. Bonus # 2 - Members will receive access to a an ebook that you can share with your child's teacher and other support staff. This information will help you teach school personnel how to be an extension of you instead of a replacement for you. It will give them tools and strategies to put in place that will increase your child's success and help to create a trauma sensitive environment for all kids. And much more. Bonus # 3 - IPCG Members are invited to join Stacy and 6 other Mom's on her exclusive BREATHE Retreat. There is still 1 spot left. We are going to dig deep. Rest. Breathe. Start Fresh. Don't miss this opportunity! This is going to be a great month. Let's work together to help your child, actually your whole family, have your best school year yet! Just join me in my Intentional Parent Coaching Group to have access to these bonuses my newest video class Supporting an Adoptive or Foster Family 10, made to share with your family and friends, Weekly Q&A sessions with me, membership on the CLOSED Facebook Page and to the Learning Library which consists of my 12 top selling classes and SO much more! Today is YOUR day! Just click the link http://www.tohavehope.com/intentional-parent-coaching-group.html Out of the box. Pretty sure I’ve always been an Out of the Box thinker. A big thinker. Not afraid to do things differently. But I have to say…when I began this journey of parenting my 3 adopted daughters, that’s when “the rubber meets the road” really happened in terms of out the box thinking.
Before my girls had joined our family, I’d been parenting for several years. We had 3 bio sons and things were going well. I was a good mom. In fact, I was a really good mom. Enter parenting adopted kiddos. Things changed. Drastically. What I was doing was no longer working. At all. And believe me, I tried everything. Nothing was working. My strategies, my tools & techniques, were not working with my girls. And…I no longer felt like a good mom. My girls came with deep, deep loss. The loss of their family. The loss of their culture. The loss of their home. But most importantly, the loss of their primary attachment…their biological mom. My girls came to me as survivors. They’d been through A LOT. Of course they were survivors. And with that came behaviors that worked in terms of surviving, but not in terms of being in a family. My girls came to me with fear. Fear of losing another family. Fear of losing it all…again. My girls came to me with a lack of trust. Understandable for sure. The one person who was to protect them, the person that they were wired for, the person they depended on let them down. They had no reason to believe I was someone they could count on, someone they could trust to protect them, someone they could trust their heart with. And so I needed new tools. New strategies. Ones that met them right where they were at. Ones that took into consideration all the things that came with the loss and trauma that have impacted them. It’s now 17 years later, and wow does it look different. A whole lot different! My girls are no longer survivors. They no longer have such fear that stops them in up in all they do. They take chances. They are confident. They are becoming sure of who they are. They trust. They trust that I will always be there for them. They know they can count on me. Know that I’ll protect them. Know they can trust me with their heart. We have come a long way. There were days, weeks, and months I never thought we’d get to here. But we did. I share this with you to give you HOPE. Hope when getting to Happy & Healthy seems impossible. Hope when you feel like you’re not a good mom. Hope when you feel like nothing’s working. HOPE. Happy & Healthy IS possible. My family is proof of it. With dedication to helping your family to Happy and Healthy, Stacy Manning P.S. I'd love to teach you tools and strategies that work. Join me in the Intentional Parent Coaching Group. You'll be empowered with tools & techniques and surrounded with the best support out there. http://www.tohavehope.com/intentional-parent-coaching-group.html Before I adopted my girls, I was part of a mom's group. We had play dates, field trips, and moms night out. My boys loved playing with the other kids and I loved visiting with the other moms while the kiddos all played.
We talked about life. Parenting. The joys and the challenges. It fueled me and gave me a place where I belonged. Then things changed. We adopted 3 girls. I became a mom to 6 young kids. My girls came with pain, grief, and anxiety. And with that came a lot of behaviors. Needless to say, our day to day changed. I was exhausted and worn out. But I knew how much better I felt after mom's group so we went. But it was different. It just didn't feel the same. I was parenting differently. My girls couldn't just go off and play while I checked out and hung out with the other moms. My girls needed me. Close by. Engaged. With them. The conversations were different. My struggles were now different from the others. I was dealing with deep loss, grief, and a whole new level of struggle. I no longer fit. I left feeling alone. Back then there was very little support for adoptive and foster parents. So I stayed home. Trying my best, but lots of days just surviving. It was lonely. My friends didn't understand. My family didn't get it. I felt like I was the only one. Doing it alone. Until. Until I said I'm not the only one. So...I reached out. I spoke out honestly about what we were going through. I found others on the journey. Others who understood what I was feeling, understood what we were going through. Understood because they lived it. To feel like you're not the only one, to be surrounded by those who truly get it, is crucial on this journey. It's a mistake to try to do this alone. Trust me, I know. Luckily, things have changed since I began this journey nearly 17 years ago. There now is support. If you're an adoptive, foster, step or kinship parent...you belong in my coaching group. There you'll get your questions answered, be empowered with tools & strategies that work, and be surrounded by the best support out there! Join us today. http://www.tohavehope.com/intentional-parent-coaching-group.html |
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