Marriage. It’s wonderful and a blessing…but it takes work.

Just as we are being intentional as Adoptive and Foster Parents, we need to be intentional about our relationships with our spouses.

It can be easy to slide on this one…taking it for granted because we are busy and exhausted from all that we pout into our kiddos and all that we manage as parents. By the time our kiddos’ heads finally hit the pillows, we are done. Worn out. And ready to crash ourselves.

But it's important to nurture our closest relationships. It fact, it’s CRUCIAL!

Tonight in the Intentional Parent Coaching Group, I’ve invited Lisa Qualls to come speak about nurturing your marriage. She is the mom of twelve amazing kids by birth and adoption, and sometimes more through foster care. More than thirty years ago she married Russ; they had no idea the adventures awaiting them. They celebrated their 32nd anniversary by becoming foster parents.

Lisa’s adoption journey has been marked by joy as well as challenges of trauma and attachment. Lisa is passionate about caring for children from “hard places.” She earnestly believes in the power of Jesus to heal children’s broken hearts and wounded minds. 
She is a TBRI Practitioner and works for Fostering Idaho.

Lisa writes the blog One Thankful Mom and is currently launching her brand new podcast, The AdoptionConnection. You can find Lisa on all social media as One Thankful Mom.

Make sure you take time to nurture your marriage. It will benefit you, your spouse, and your child!.

I'M DONE!

Can you relate? 

Oh there have been times on this journey of being an adoptive and foster parent I have thought those words, whispered them, wrote them, yelled them...they came fast and they came strong. Ever been there? 

Typically, the words leave your mouth with a snap of anger and ugliness. Finality ringing in the air. I feel the look on my face and in my gestures and they resemble hatred, anger and disgust. 

When I get them out I feel a quick sense of relief because I am FREE of the strings attached to being this child's Mom. The feelings that cause me to be done come from a deep place of pain, overwhelm, fear and the feeling of being ineffective as a parent. I just don't want to be there anymore. I AM DONE!

I go inward. Get quiet. Breathe. Take care of me a bit. And then I even start feeling bad. Wish I would have done it differently and then ultimately....CHOOSE TO START OVER. I find myself again. There I am. 

Yes, it's hard and painful sometimes, but I can do it - I am strong. 
Yes, there's a lot to learn and do differently - I can ask for help and surround myself with support so I can stay in it with my child.
I can do this. I am enough. And I can help my child heal!   

Yes, it's hard and painful sometimes, but YOU can do it - YOU are strong. 
Yes, there's a lot to learn and do differently - YOU can ask for help and surround yourself with support so you can stay in it with your child.
YOU can do this. YOU are enough. And YOU can help your child heal!   

Encouraging and supporting your family,
Stacy

P.S. The Intentional Parent Coaching Group for Adoptive & Foster Parents is a great place to surround yourself with support and to learn new ways. Get your name on the list to join us. http://www.tohavehope.com/intentional-parent-coaching-group.html

I don't know about you, but when I hear the word vulnerable I tend to take an emotional step back for a moment and then I literally will myself to keep going. 

I've never really liked that word. And as a Mom letting yourself be vulnerable can make you feel weak & like you're not enough. It means opening yourself up to being hurt by ugly behaviors and hurtful words and feeling judged by others. And it often makes you feel unprepared when you should have all of the answers. 

Just making the choice to "show up" every day can be painful and feel unsafe and some days is absolutely counter-intuitive. Sometimes it rocks you at your very core. But I have learned that my choice to "show up", over and over again, has been a real source of healing for my children. And I know that being there & staying there in spite of the pain and fear helps you embrace the fact that you can't control everything, and that's okay. Preferable even. 

I know...what?       
 
We're taught that parents should be "perfect" and "in control." So...choose pain and vulnerability or control? Seems like a no-brainer right? 

I mean if we really want to feel strong, we'd fight for respect and compliance, stand up for ourselves. We wouldn't allow ourselves to continue to try unless we knew for sure our kiddos would change. We'd learn from our mistakes and not put ourselves in danger of being "emotionally" hurt again.

What does being vulnerable as a parent prove except that I'm an easy target?   

But that's not what happens. Contrary to our minds first impulse, vulnerability is the place from which real change happens, like showing up every day in the fight for healing, meeting your child right where he or she is at, choosing to do it differently, carrying out your true purpose or anything else you consider important. It requires great risk because we don’t really know what will happen next. It takes the most courage possible because we’re willing to place hope in something that’s not a guarantee.

The vulnerability of Showing Up, Starting Over, Having Hope, Meeting Your Kids Right Where They Are At - No Matter What & For As Long As It Takes = True Courage

No matter how many times you have questioned whether you are enough, you are absolutely enough. It makes you that much more courageous when you decide to show up again - having the courage to take that leap when you could get hurt, especially when you've been hurt before. 

There is one thing I know for sure...YOU are your child's best chance at healing. 

I'm going to leave you with this incredible quote from Brene' Brown, “When we spend our lives waiting until we’re perfect or bulletproof before we walk into the arena, we ultimately sacrifice relationships and opportunities that may not be recoverable, we squander our precious time, and we turn our backs on our gifts, those unique contributions that only we can make. Perfect and bulletproof are seductive, but they don’t exist in the human experience.”
  
P.S. I want to personally invite you to come and be a part of my Intentional Parent Coaching Group for Adoptive & Foster Parents.  
http://www.tohavehope.com/intentional-parent-coaching-group.html
​

Being the Mom is a full time job, no matter what the circumstances. And being the Mom of a special needs child (or 2 or 3 or more) is even beyond that...I know, I am both! I have been doing both, and more, for 17 years now and I am glad to say I have learned much!

One of the most important things I have learned is that taking care of me is as important as taking care of everyone else...actually it may be more important. I learned that if I didn't take care of me, I really didn't have the capacity to take care of anyone very well. In order to be an Intentional Parent, you really need clarity and energy.

I learned that to get that clarity and energy, to be really successful at being a GREAT Mom to everyone in my home I needed to: EMBRACE MY LIFE and NOT JUST SURVIVE IT!

Here are some thoughts to consider as you try to Embrace Your Life:

1. Secure attachment and healing can only happen at the speed at which it can happen...you can't make it go any faster!
2. Finding good in each day is KEY!
3. Choose to be fully engaged in today and stop looking way ahead.
4. When you finally choose to do something just for yourself, name it that! Say it over and over. This is for me!
5. That something you do for yourself doesn't have to be huge to matter, but mark it for how important it is!
6. Communicate bravely to those around you.
7. You won't feel more in control if you try to micro-manage a person or situation.
8. Create a Mantra to live by and in the most difficult moments cling to it!
9. Seek balance. Give yourself permission to be fully in the now and get to the later later! It will be there waiting for you.
10. Take a long deep breath before you speak. Then decide what, if anything, needs to be said.

Just surviving our life leaves us feeling helpless and hopeless. It causes wrinkles, jumpiness, decreased energy, gray hair, and more.  
Choosing to Embrace our life - one moment at a time - helps to empower us, to help us feel strong and in control of our destiny. It causes smiles, the ability to read the situation, and be intentional about our choices, confidence, tons of energy, peacefulness within ourselves and SO MUCH MORE!

I am calling all you Moms and Dads out there...If I can do this, so can you! Fight for it; your family deserves the best!
  
P.S. I'd be honored to help you make your action plan to meet your child right where they are at - THAT IS Where Healing Happens. Join me in the Intentional Parent Coaching Group and we'll get YOU a plan. 
www.tohavehope.com/intentional-parent-coaching-group
​

If your life is over-the-top crazy,
If your adopted or foster child is consistently sabotaging things, 
If his or her hard behaviors and words are getting in the way of your whole family's happiness...
it's time to create your child a world that is the size he can really handle. A world in which he can be most SUCCESSFUL!   

Most of the time creating a world in which your adopted or foster child can be most successful means making it SMALLER. It can include things like extra-curriculars, chores, camp, boundaries at home and beyond, the kinds of toys or other items they own and other big transitions they do away from you.  

One example in our case was when we had given our daughters chores based on their chronological ages and the abilities we “knew” they had. 

Our oldest rarely succeeded at accomplishing her chores. The problem was that those chores really caused a lot of issues. Big. Huge. Issues. It was "clear" to us that she "never listened", "didn't care", was "disrespectful on purpose", was "sneaky" and "just thought she could do what she wanted to when she wanted to do it." Remember, this is the way we interpreted everything. 

Another example in our case was when we enrolled her in things at church and school that the other kids her age were doing. 

She really had a hard time being able to run with other kids her age and not end up either getting hurt or breaking a rule or four!  

Many times in situations where she was on her own with other children, she would either be a loner or be bossy and aggressive. 

Important relationships were being negatively affected, we were confused and mad because it often felt purposeful, we were asked to pull her out of classes and sports, she was getting injured and putting herself in dangerous situations. It was a nightmare. 

Worst of all, her self-esteem was suffering terribly. The more she failed the worse things got – a vicious circle of her old beliefs and deficits was set in motion!  

It was time to do it differently! 

I remember distinctly the day I really fully embraced this new more intentional way to parent my daughter. The day I really took the risk and met her where she was. 

She had been invited to an overnight girl birthday party. She said she wanted to attend. However, behavior kicked in big time! She sabotaged going to the event in any way she could. 

It finally hit me…this is too big for her. 

I turned it over and over in my mind. It was an event that any Mom would want for her daughter to be a part of. It was an event that was appropriate for her chronological age. “All” of the girls in our group of friends were going. But I really needed to meet my daughter right where SHE was at.

With all of this going on in my mind, I decided to follow my gut. 

I called her to our porch and as gently, but confidently, as I could I explained that she was not going to go to the party. I told her that it was my job to keep her safe and healthy and that this party would not be either of those things for her. 

I braced myself for her reply. 

She looked at me and asked me to repeat what I had said. I repeated it word for word. Her hands released their tight hold they had had on the rail. Then she breathed a huge sigh of relief! Her shoulders dropped inches in relaxation. Her face softened. Then she asked if she could go and play. 

The behaviors that had kicked up before the party went back to a low rumble - which was our status quo. It was over. The spin really slowed! The party was too big for her. 

I finally got it! I didn’t put her into a situation in which she couldn’t be successful. This was a HUGE shift for us.

It's so important to pull your adopted or foster child’s world into the size in which he can not only handle, but also be successful. Changing the size of your child's world is REALLY about meeting him where he's at. And it almost always means doing it differently than most other families.

But the benefits far outweigh the challenges of doing it differently...making this kind of intentional choice creates healing across the board! 

I think there are a couple rules of thumb to follow when deciding how big is too big:

1. Use your child's emotional age as your guide when making Parental decisions.
2. If everyone is miserable, it's time for a change.
3. We need to grow our kids up from baby, not from their chronological ae. They deserve that.

There's nothing easy about this concept; however, it makes all of the difference in creating the connection that ultimately is the foundation for all other relationships...the really important stuff usually takes work!  

You can do this and I'm right here to cheer you on and show you that it works!
  
P.S. If you'd like specific strategies or to build your action plan I'd be honored to teach you how in my Coaching Group. 
Just click this link to join me. 
​www.tohavehope.com/intentional-parent-coaching-group