I recently got a call from an Adoptive mom. She was feeling down. Discouraged. And the really hard part…feeling like a bad mom.
Mom and her family had just gotten back from a family gathering. In the past, her little guy would bounce off the walls at family gatherings. He ran around with his cousins, laughing loudly, and looked to be having a great time. But eventually, it would come to a halt…either with one of the cousins coming to say he wasn’t playing nice or him coming to mom having a meltdown.
This time it was going to be different. Mom was keeping him close. He had bag of fun things to keep him entertained. And he did better. WAY better. No meltdown. No bouncing off the walls. He was so much calmer.
But then came the questioning. The doubting. Mom’s parents and sister-in-law questioned her. Over and over. Why couldn’t he go play with the other kids? Why did he have to stay so close to Mom? You seem controlling.
Mom fought back the tears…until she got home. She felt judged. She felt like she had to defend how she was parenting.
When we’re parenting differently than other people, others sometimes question. Doubt. And they can seem critical. And that’s not easy. Especially when it comes from our family or friends.
Here’s the hard part…sometimes WE are biggest critics. We question. We doubt. Am I the wrong parent for the job? Am I making things worse?
Have you ever felt like that? If so…I’ll tell you what I told this Mom.
You ARE doing a great job! You are meeting your child right where he’s at…and that is a GIFT for your child.
You are doing a GREAT job! You are helping your child succeed…and that is a GIFT for your child.
YOU are doing a great job! You are the right parent for your child. You are giving your child the BEST GIFT of all…a No Matter What parent!!
Give yourself grace. Give yourself a 5 second pat on the back. You deserve it!!
P.S. - If you're an Adoptive or Foster Parent, come be surrounded by support on the journey getting YOUR family to happy & healthy! www.tohavehope.com/momentum
Marriage. It’s wonderful and a blessing…but it takes work.
Just as we are being intentional as Adoptive and Foster Parents, we need to be intentional about our relationships with our spouses.
It can be easy to slide on this one…taking it for granted because we are busy and exhausted from all that we pout into our kiddos and all that we manage as parents. By the time our kiddos’ heads finally hit the pillows, we are done. Worn out. And ready to crash ourselves.
But it's important to nurture our closest relationships. It fact, it’s CRUCIAL!
Tonight in the Intentional Parent Coaching Group, I’ve invited Lisa Qualls to come speak about nurturing your marriage. She is the mom of twelve amazing kids by birth and adoption, and sometimes more through foster care. More than thirty years ago she married Russ; they had no idea the adventures awaiting them. They celebrated their 32nd anniversary by becoming foster parents.
Lisa’s adoption journey has been marked by joy as well as challenges of trauma and attachment. Lisa is passionate about caring for children from “hard places.” She earnestly believes in the power of Jesus to heal children’s broken hearts and wounded minds.
She is a TBRI Practitioner and works for Fostering Idaho.
Lisa writes the blog One Thankful Mom and is currently launching her brand new podcast, The AdoptionConnection. You can find Lisa on all social media as One Thankful Mom.
Make sure you take time to nurture your marriage. It will benefit you, your spouse, and your child!.
Can you relate?
Oh there have been times on this journey of being an adoptive and foster parent I have thought those words, whispered them, wrote them, yelled them...they came fast and they came strong. Ever been there?
Typically, the words leave your mouth with a snap of anger and ugliness. Finality ringing in the air. I feel the look on my face and in my gestures and they resemble hatred, anger and disgust.
When I get them out I feel a quick sense of relief because I am FREE of the strings attached to being this child's Mom. The feelings that cause me to be done come from a deep place of pain, overwhelm, fear and the feeling of being ineffective as a parent. I just don't want to be there anymore. I AM DONE!
I go inward. Get quiet. Breathe. Take care of me a bit. And then I even start feeling bad. Wish I would have done it differently and then ultimately....CHOOSE TO START OVER. I find myself again. There I am.
Yes, it's hard and painful sometimes, but I can do it - I am strong.
Yes, there's a lot to learn and do differently - I can ask for help and surround myself with support so I can stay in it with my child.
I can do this. I am enough. And I can help my child heal!
Yes, it's hard and painful sometimes, but YOU can do it - YOU are strong.
Yes, there's a lot to learn and do differently - YOU can ask for help and surround yourself with support so you can stay in it with your child.
YOU can do this. YOU are enough. And YOU can help your child heal!
Encouraging and supporting your family,
P.S. The Intentional Parent Coaching Group for Adoptive & Foster Parents is a great place to surround yourself with support and to learn new ways. Get your name on the list to join us. http://www.tohavehope.com/intentional-parent-coaching-group.html
I don't know about you, but when I hear the word vulnerable I tend to take an emotional step back for a moment and then I literally will myself to keep going.
I've never really liked that word. And as a Mom letting yourself be vulnerable can make you feel weak & like you're not enough. It means opening yourself up to being hurt by ugly behaviors and hurtful words and feeling judged by others. And it often makes you feel unprepared when you should have all of the answers.
Just making the choice to "show up" every day can be painful and feel unsafe and some days is absolutely counter-intuitive. Sometimes it rocks you at your very core. But I have learned that my choice to "show up", over and over again, has been a real source of healing for my children. And I know that being there & staying there in spite of the pain and fear helps you embrace the fact that you can't control everything, and that's okay. Preferable even.
We're taught that parents should be "perfect" and "in control." So...choose pain and vulnerability or control? Seems like a no-brainer right?
I mean if we really want to feel strong, we'd fight for respect and compliance, stand up for ourselves. We wouldn't allow ourselves to continue to try unless we knew for sure our kiddos would change. We'd learn from our mistakes and not put ourselves in danger of being "emotionally" hurt again.
What does being vulnerable as a parent prove except that I'm an easy target?
But that's not what happens. Contrary to our minds first impulse, vulnerability is the place from which real change happens, like showing up every day in the fight for healing, meeting your child right where he or she is at, choosing to do it differently, carrying out your true purpose or anything else you consider important. It requires great risk because we don’t really know what will happen next. It takes the most courage possible because we’re willing to place hope in something that’s not a guarantee.
The vulnerability of Showing Up, Starting Over, Having Hope, Meeting Your Kids Right Where They Are At - No Matter What & For As Long As It Takes = True Courage
No matter how many times you have questioned whether you are enough, you are absolutely enough. It makes you that much more courageous when you decide to show up again - having the courage to take that leap when you could get hurt, especially when you've been hurt before.
There is one thing I know for sure...YOU are your child's best chance at healing.
I'm going to leave you with this incredible quote from Brene' Brown, “When we spend our lives waiting until we’re perfect or bulletproof before we walk into the arena, we ultimately sacrifice relationships and opportunities that may not be recoverable, we squander our precious time, and we turn our backs on our gifts, those unique contributions that only we can make. Perfect and bulletproof are seductive, but they don’t exist in the human experience.”
P.S. I want to personally invite you to come and be a part of my Intentional Parent Coaching Group for Adoptive & Foster Parents.
Being the Mom is a full time job, no matter what the circumstances. And being the Mom of a special needs child (or 2 or 3 or more) is even beyond that...I know, I am both! I have been doing both, and more, for 17 years now and I am glad to say I have learned much!
One of the most important things I have learned is that taking care of me is as important as taking care of everyone else...actually it may be more important. I learned that if I didn't take care of me, I really didn't have the capacity to take care of anyone very well. In order to be an Intentional Parent, you really need clarity and energy.
I learned that to get that clarity and energy, to be really successful at being a GREAT Mom to everyone in my home I needed to: EMBRACE MY LIFE and NOT JUST SURVIVE IT!
Here are some thoughts to consider as you try to Embrace Your Life:
Just surviving our life leaves us feeling helpless and hopeless. It causes wrinkles, jumpiness, decreased energy, gray hair, and more.
Choosing to Embrace our life - one moment at a time - helps to empower us, to help us feel strong and in control of our destiny. It causes smiles, the ability to read the situation, and be intentional about our choices, confidence, tons of energy, peacefulness within ourselves and SO MUCH MORE!
I am calling all you Moms and Dads out there...If I can do this, so can you! Fight for it; your family deserves the best!
P.S. I'd be honored to help you make your action plan to meet your child right where they are at - THAT IS Where Healing Happens. Join me in the Intentional Parent Coaching Group and we'll get YOU a plan.
Well, just to be sure we are getting into the holiday swing here, the weather is a combination of freezing rain to snow. If I wasn't ready before, this weather shift always pushes me to face the reality - the big holiday season starts in under a week.
Seventeen years ago, we celebrated our first Thanksgiving as a family of 8. We had just finalized our adoption and brought our girls home. Wow, talk about facing reality.
I had all of these DREAMS for my daughters. My dreams included laughter, smiles, hugs, loving feelings, time together, sharing, new traditions, family, more and more family.
There was some of that sprinkled in, but some of those dreams were missing and the missing stuff (plus some not-so-great behavior/words) were blamed on the facts that we were speaking different languages, the newness of it all, and everyone just being overwhelmed.
Honestly, as time passed it got more and more difficult.
The holidays looked great to the outsiders. All the kids (3 biological boys and 3 adopted girls) were dressed up cute. There were smiles on their faces as they opened gifts from Grandmas and Grandpas. They tried all the delicious treats and said please and thank you nicely.
However, on the inside it was a whole different story altogether!
Inside our family was a MESS!
The girls were miserable and acted out constantly (when others weren't looking). The boys were totally thrown off by all of the chaos that happened behind our closed doors. Our marriage was stressed.
We distanced ourselves from others because we felt judged and unsupported. I felt like an awful Mom, Wife, Daughter, Granddaughter, Niece, Cousin, and Friend. I really felt very alone.
Out of a deep desire to get my family back in shape, I began doing things very differently and our mess began to take on a new more positive and happy feel.
I tweaked and tweaked how I parented. I researched, read, and attended any training for adoptive and foster parents I could. I found the tools and techniques that worked to help us all enjoy the holidays.
I learned to meet my children right where they were at and they began to be more and more successful - soon my family was in such a better place! (And so was I).
If you are like I was and you dream of giving your children the experience of a loving, joyful, peaceful, family-filled holiday, it would be my honor to help you get a plan in place that would include knowing your whole child, identifying the impacts of trauma your child is tripping over, measuring his/her emotional age, and tools and techniques that you need to be successful (and so much more)!
You'll be ready to tackle the tantrums and crabbiness head on, create a holiday time where your family and friends help you help your children not sabotage you at every turn, and start looking forward to the holidays yourself!
We are diving into strategies for the holidays in the Intentional Parent Coaching Group to help you look forward to and enjoy the holidays more...
1. We've added #1 Best Selling Class Surviving The Holidays into the Learning Library in the Intentional Parent Coaching Group for members to use free of charge and at their convenience. This class also includes the Surviving the Holidays Checklist and a Template for a letter to family and friends to help them support you better.
2. Every week we are doing a LIVE Q & A so you can zero in on your holiday and fine tuning your plan so that it works!
3. For the Month of December, the coaching group will be 50% off. Just use the discount code MyGiftToYou.
It's the perfect time - Let's get you started!
Just click this link, www.tohavehope.com/intentional-parent-coaching-group
Join the Group, Watch for an Email, Get into the closed Facebook Group and then into the Learning Library and get started with the Surviving the Holidays class....then I'll see you in the Live session.
You are going to be so relieved!
As November National Adoption Month was approaching, I was trying to decide what is the absolute best way I can support YOU. It quickly became clear that it was You and I, just the two of us, working side-by-side to put together an action plan specifically for your family!
Learning how to be an Intentional Parent is so crucial and takes making a choice to try new parenting techniques and to take a look at yourself and make some tweaks. It's a decision to open your mind to learn about the brain and the impacts of trauma and to commit to No Matter What. It really is a choice. A choice that allows us to meet our kiddos right where they are at.
And what I know for sure is that meeting your child right where he's at for as long as it takes is the key to healing and to creating new brain wiring and new core beliefs.The clincher here is the "right where they are at" part.
I know that if we work together to form a very detailed action plan that combines identifying the specific impacts of trauma your child is facing every day, zeroing in on their emotional age, and taking into consideration the other pieces of your "whole child" and combine all of that with strategies and tools that work, we will be creating the shift you have been waiting for.
Here's what I'm doing...
In honor of National Adoption Month, I am giving a FREE Private Coaching Session to every member of my Coaching Group. Every. Single. Member. This is for YOU.
Let's get YOUR FREE COACHING SESSION Scheduled and get your plan in place. Click this link to join the Intentional Parent Coaching Group and then go to the Files Section on the Closed Facebook Page to find the link to schedule your appointment.
I watched a family dealing with grief this weekend; it reminded me again of how important it is for me as an Intentional Parent to never forget the impact that grief and loss had and still has on my adopted children.
It's a part of who they are. The loss of their biological family has impacted them at their core. The reality is that it doesn’t stop them too much anymore, but it used to. As I look ahead, I think it will come into play when we deal with big life changing events like marriage and children.
What does grief look like in a child? I think too many times we miss it!
We expect it to look a certain way and when we don’t see that specific picture we think it isn’t an issue. Unfortunately, grief is often misinterpreted as misbehavior, defiance, and just not caring.
Children only have a very short list of behaviors they can use to express their emotions. These behaviors will be used to express a variety of emotions and we as their parents have to know that this includes the sadness and loss they inevitably feel from losing those first attachment figures.
It's up to us to know and to understand. It's up to us as Intentional Adoptive & Foster Parents to meet them where they are emotionally!
To believe them and honor those times when they express emotion about the losses in their life.
To "know" when ugly behavior is pain not defiance.
It is scary and uncomfortable to see our children hurt that way, but allowing them to bring it to us is truly being the safety net they need. Just listen. Comfort them. Tell them you are sorry they have to have this hurt.
I hurt for my daughters.
I'm sad for all the loss they suffered at such young ages. I see them deal with it, each in their own way. We've always talked about it as openly as possible. Sometimes they grieved with anger, sometimes with absolute heart-wrenching sadness and sometimes they kept it in the quiet places of their minds, just figuring out how to go forward.
These losses are a part of their story. Their identity. The ramifications of them will impact how they make choices in life, how they love, and how they live - to be sure. But, my hope is that they are able to grieve these losses so that they are able to transform their lives into whatever they choose for themselves!
Meet your adopted or foster child right where he's at and sometimes that means sadness out of nowhere, hard behaviors during family events, and avoiding feelings altogether.
Knowing that that is what grief looks like on your child and being intentional creates a whole new opportunity for YOU to be their person...the one who gets them completely. The one who will finally assure them that they are worthy of love.
P.S. If you're looking to surround yourself with tools and support, join me in the Intentional Parent Coaching Group for Adoptive & Foster Parents.
I am so excited...this is going to be an AMAZING month! It's National Adoption Month and we are celebrating. Be sure to read this whole email because quite honestly there is something for everyone.
I've heard lots of these stories over the year and there's one thing I know for sure...they are always beautiful! So one way we will be celebrating is by posting Adoption Stories on my Facebook Page each day of the month...and I would LOVE to share yours.
Please send your story to firstname.lastname@example.org. You can put it in an email or send it as an mp4. Feel free to include a picture or not - whatever you feel is safest for your child. And absolutely change names if you would like to as well. Thanks so much for your help!
My new obsession...and these were created just for you, my friends! There are two choices: "Be Intentional" and/or "family...DNA not required". I love to add my favorite essential oil to the inside of the leather band and enjoy the scent all day long. Treat yourself and even use them to nurture your closest relationships. There's even a discount code below.
Our discount code is: FAMILY5DOLLARS. It's good for $5 off items on their website: createhopecuffs.com.
And it's good through Dec. 31st, 2017. (I do not make any money on this product; however a portion of the proceeds go to educating children of the Bheveni Community in Swaziland, Africa.)
Surround Yourself With People That Get It & A Plan That Works!
(the best for last)
Here's the thing...I am extremely passionate about making sure no family walks this journey alone and this month I am adding even more to the Intentional Parent Coaching Group to support you even better.
Here are only a couple of the exciting things going on this month in the Intentional Parent Coaching Group, in addition to our weekly LIVE sessions, Learning Library packed with my top selling classes and deeply discounted Private Coaching Sessions:
1. I was going to do drawings for Private Coaching Sessions in my Coaching Group each week this month, but I changed my mind...I am giving EVERY MEMBER of my coaching group one FREE 45 minute Private Coaching Session via the phone.
Yep, every single one of you!
(This is a 45 minute session per family. It can be used immediately or banked and then can be used later as long as you are an active member of the Coaching Group and have sent in your Family App)
2. I will be adding my most popular class, "Handling the Holidays," to the Learning Library in the Coaching Group starting 11/2 and will be holding a Live Q&A in regards to that class so that members can ask specific questions about their holiday plans.
The Holidays DON'T Have to be Horrible!
If you are looking for things to change for the better,
If you need a plan that works,
If you are tired of doing this alone, you belong in the Intentional Parent Coaching Group.
This is your month. I would be honored to teach you tools and strategies that will make life way more doable...even enjoyable. Just click this link to join me.
You can do this and I'm right here to cheer you on and show you that it works!
If your life is over-the-top crazy,
If your adopted or foster child is consistently sabotaging things,
If his or her hard behaviors and words are getting in the way of your whole family's happiness...
it's time to create your child a world that is the size he can really handle. A world in which he can be most SUCCESSFUL!
Most of the time creating a world in which your adopted or foster child can be most successful means making it SMALLER. It can include things like extra-curriculars, chores, camp, boundaries at home and beyond, the kinds of toys or other items they own and other big transitions they do away from you.
One example in our case was when we had given our daughters chores based on their chronological ages and the abilities we “knew” they had.
Our oldest rarely succeeded at accomplishing her chores. The problem was that those chores really caused a lot of issues. Big. Huge. Issues. It was "clear" to us that she "never listened", "didn't care", was "disrespectful on purpose", was "sneaky" and "just thought she could do what she wanted to when she wanted to do it." Remember, this is the way we interpreted everything.
Another example in our case was when we enrolled her in things at church and school that the other kids her age were doing.
She really had a hard time being able to run with other kids her age and not end up either getting hurt or breaking a rule or four!
Many times in situations where she was on her own with other children, she would either be a loner or be bossy and aggressive.
Important relationships were being negatively affected, we were confused and mad because it often felt purposeful, we were asked to pull her out of classes and sports, she was getting injured and putting herself in dangerous situations. It was a nightmare.
Worst of all, her self-esteem was suffering terribly. The more she failed the worse things got – a vicious circle of her old beliefs and deficits was set in motion!
It was time to do it differently!
I remember distinctly the day I really fully embraced this new more intentional way to parent my daughter. The day I really took the risk and met her where she was.
She had been invited to an overnight girl birthday party. She said she wanted to attend. However, behavior kicked in big time! She sabotaged going to the event in any way she could.
It finally hit me…this is too big for her.
I turned it over and over in my mind. It was an event that any Mom would want for her daughter to be a part of. It was an event that was appropriate for her chronological age. “All” of the girls in our group of friends were going. But I really needed to meet my daughter right where SHE was at.
With all of this going on in my mind, I decided to follow my gut.
I called her to our porch and as gently, but confidently, as I could I explained that she was not going to go to the party. I told her that it was my job to keep her safe and healthy and that this party would not be either of those things for her.
I braced myself for her reply.
She looked at me and asked me to repeat what I had said. I repeated it word for word. Her hands released their tight hold they had had on the rail. Then she breathed a huge sigh of relief! Her shoulders dropped inches in relaxation. Her face softened. Then she asked if she could go and play.
The behaviors that had kicked up before the party went back to a low rumble - which was our status quo. It was over. The spin really slowed! The party was too big for her.
I finally got it! I didn’t put her into a situation in which she couldn’t be successful. This was a HUGE shift for us.
It's so important to pull your adopted or foster child’s world into the size in which he can not only handle, but also be successful. Changing the size of your child's world is REALLY about meeting him where he's at. And it almost always means doing it differently than most other families.
But the benefits far outweigh the challenges of doing it differently...making this kind of intentional choice creates healing across the board!
I think there are a couple rules of thumb to follow when deciding how big is too big:
There's nothing easy about this concept; however, it makes all of the difference in creating the connection that ultimately is the foundation for all other relationships...the really important stuff usually takes work!
You can do this and I'm right here to cheer you on and show you that it works!
P.S. If you'd like specific strategies or to build your action plan I'd be honored to teach you how in my Coaching Group.
Just click this link to join me.